Dear Yappie;

I've been going out with the same girl for three weeks, and now that I'm about ready to make the big commitment I'm wondering what she's thinking. I thought I knew her implicitly, but after speaking to her once or twice I'm not sure I understand what she means by "I'd rather clean Penn Station with my tongue." Obviously she knows that there is a sanitation crew that already cleans the place, so are we having a communications break down or is this just one of those "men are from Mars" issues?

"No mind reader" NY

Dear "No Mind,"

You may be experiencing some problems talking to each other, and in today’s day and age people are having more and more problems expressing their true feelings. Sentiments like "go suck an egg" and "shut up and die," are confusing and ambiguous and never seem to express the real hidden issues. So to help all those other "clueless" daters, as well as yourself, I've included a collection of things that might tell you that the date isn't going so well. Here they are:

1. "Wow! That's my father's favorite tie!"

2. She keeps looking at the guy at the next table.

3. She keeps looking at the girl at the next table.

4. She keeps looking at the silverware at the next table.

5. She asks the maitre d’ for the check before the seat reservation.

6. She's thrilled about your choice in restaurants, and asks where you'll be eating.

7. "Nice Eyebrow."

8. "That’s great,… How old is your brother?"

9. "Oh,… That’s your nose!"

10. "Is that your natural walk?"

11. "Do you always laugh like that?"

Dear Yappie;

I'm being pressed into dating by my Grandmother's neighbor's cousin's sister's milkman's uncle's step sister (twice removed), and I'm really not sure I understand how dating works. Specifically, when asking for information about different girls I've received flattering descriptions that don't always match up to reality, when I finally meet them face to face. I'd realty like to know what I'm getting into before I get there. Can you help me?

"Great Yichus", Peoria, Illinois

Dear "Related to a Jewish Accountant (laid-off)",

In today’s day and age people are having more and more problems expressing their true feelings. People are confusing and ambiguous and never seem to express the real hidden issues. So to help all those other "clueless" daters, who may be experiencing some problems, I've included a collection of things that might tell you that the date isn't going so well.

Very Intelligent (guy)

-Can count to 20 with their shoes on.

Very Intelligent (girl)

-You don't have to bring a bag along (better safe than sorry)

Beautiful (girl)

-She's learned not to use the white-out on the computer screen, but she still

copies with the paper shredder

Handsome (guy)

-He can't count to 10 with his shoes on (shouldn't own power tools)

Handsome (girl)

-read: Ellen Degeneres

Intelligent

-Poster child for planned parenthood

Great personality

-"when he sits around the house…"

Good Middot

-physically statuesque (prominent personality)

A real catch

-Yeah, like syphilis or VD

Great find

-"for a good time call…"

Petite

-Anorexic

Healthy

-See "Great Personality"

Sensitive

-Says "excuse me" before he spits out her window

Caring

-Gives point values to animals before he hits them with the car

A little forward

-Like a pit bull in a meat market

Nice hair

-on her dog

Great Learner

-Zack the lego maniac

Perfect Match

-Absolutely nothing in common with you

Dear Yappie,

I’m an avid reader of your column. To date I’ve read both your letters and I can’t tell you how much they’ve helped me. But now I have a problem. I’m an incredibly popular person; people are banging down my door to go out with me. And due to my incredibly modest and humble nature I find that I’m unable to deal with the guilt involved in telling a girl she just doesn’t have "what it takes". Could you find a way for me to let them down easy without me having to watch the histrionics that will surely follow when they find out I don’t want them anymore?

"Warm Hearted", CT

Dear "Ballooned Ego",

You may be experiencing some problems talking to each other and in today’s day and age people are having more and more problems expressing their true feelings. Sentiments like "go suck an egg", and "shut up and die" are confusing and ambiguous and never seem to express the real hidden issues. So to help "clueless" daters like yourself, I’ve included a collection of ways to make the date not go so well.

Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Ask for a new table, then order an entire new meal. When your date shows up ask them "Where were you? Why did you take so long?"