Cafeteria Woman Bears Septuplets

On Tuesday, March 10th, television crews from around the country, and doctors from around the world descended onto the main campus of Yeshiva University. Pocahantos, the nymphet of the YU Caf Store, had borne septuplets.

The birth of septuplets astounded the medical world for two reasons. The first is that it is only the second time in medical history that a girl under 12 had given birth to 5 children. The second reason why it this birth is so incredible is that the little babies actually came out speaking Russian.

Doctor Kevorkian, one doctor who descended onto campus to view the phenomenon, said, "Incredible. I can’t wait to get my hands on those little munchkins."

Dean Adler, the prolific author of animal mysteries of Yeshiva University, explained, "This phenomenon of children speaking right after they are born is actually very common in rats, after the mother ingests large amounts of sodium."

Nearly everyone, however, was confused by the fact that the children of Pocahantos came out speaking Russian. Dean Adler said, "This is an absolute scientific mystery. Usually there must be at least one parent who speaks the language in order for this to occur."