REETS Hires Chicks

Rabbis Charlop and Blau Trasferred in Cost-Cutting Measures

Monica Lewinsky receiving rabinic ordination at the annual REETS hag hasemicha. Dr Lamm is seen trying to concentrate on his notes. That's two presidents down.

In a move calculated to slash operating costs and inject new vitality into Yeshiva University, Sheldon Socol, Vice-President for Financial Affairs, has announced that Rabbi Zevulun Charlop, Dean of RIETS, and Rabbi Yosef Blau, Mashgiach Ruchani of the Yeshiva, have been transferred to new positions in the Department of Facilities Management. The rabbis have been succeeded in their posts by two promising "rabbinic interns," Julie Mohel-Steinberg and Shoshana Bavli-Blatt, both of whom were chos en after a long and extensive search.

Both are alumni of Midreshet Lindenbaum in Jerusalem, graduated Barnard College magna cum laude, and were Drisha scholars. Mohel-Steinberg majored in neo-feminist studies, and concentrated on the early writings of Gloria Steinem, while Gemara-Rosenblat t did extensive research into the patriarchal underpinnings of the Get Law. Not only are the women working for a lesser wage than the men, the University is saving additional money thanks to certain Federal lawsuits that allow one to be covered by the hea lth plan of her other.

The first official duty for the new spiritual stimulators was to deliver the regular Wednesday night mussar shmooze. In front of a packed Beis Medrash, (the last time a crowd of this size was seen in the main BM was for the infamous "fraternity&qu ot; diatribe) the women expounded on deep moral and ethical concepts in a lecture entitled "Takkanat Rabbenu Gershom – The Obligations of the Modern Male are not Merely Confined to Monogamy." Citing diverse sources and Halachic luminaries such a s Rabbenu Yonah and Dr. Ruth Westheimer, the duo wowed the assembled masses with their mental and physical prowess. "I have never been exposed to such a riveting and arousing shmooze," said Boruch Purim Moses Mendelsohn, a stalwart pillar of the Beis Medrash. "I was unable to tear my eyes off them [the women], but I still don’t understand what changing diapers has to do with Hafkaat Kiddushin."

The new leaders of the Beis Medrash have ambitious plans to revamp the holy atmosphere and curriculum of the Yeshiva. "Certain areas of development have traditionally been neglected by the male-dominated cabal that has controlled the Yeshiva," ; said Bavli-Blatt. "I just cannot understand how the men had such atrocious fashion taste. The paneling is bland, the Parochet is sooo passé, and all those white shirts and dark pants! In polyester! What in the holy name of Vers ace are these boys thinking?" She indicated that a committee would be formed to address the aesthetic issues of YU, consisting of herself, Mohel-Steinberg, and approximately twenty of their closest friends.

The feminine influence in the Beis Medrash is seemingly being well received by the Kahal. "Now I can finally get real answers to my Hashkafik dilemmas," said S’gan Mashgiach Jeremy (Don’t Worry about the Torah, it’s Only Allegorical) Weider. "Boruch Hashem, I no longer have to hear Blau telling me to take yet another cold shower, because I’ve taken so many cold showers that I have poor circulation in my extremities. I am certain that the ladies will have far m ore creative solutions to my problems." When queried as to what sort of creative solutions the holy new trailblazers have to the Ruchniusdik questions of the Bochrim, Weider said "Right now I’m really not sure. However, I can feel the circulation returning to my extremities already."

Sporadic opposition was voiced from various quarters of the Beis Medrash, with Rav Aharon Khan leading the charge against what he termed "prostitutes in the Mikdash." "In Volozhin," thundered the venerable rabbinic pundit, &q uot;the only women brought into the Beis Medrash were solely there ‘al taharas HaKodesh’ in order to facilitate a higher level of pilpul and hasmodoh b’limud. But to bring women into the Daled Amos shel Halocho? And to pay them good money also?" Clearly infuriated by the encroachment of modernity into his private reserve, the rabbi was seen on his knees begging forgiveness from the Aron Kodesh while threatening to immolate himself in protest on the Danciger Quadrang le at high noon. When told of Kahn’s plans, Rabbi Robert Hirt, Vice-President of RIETS, was overhead to say "good riddance."

The Selection Committee was chaired by YU clergymen Avi Weiss and Saul Berman, with vital input from Blu Greenberg. Rabbis Charlop and Blau, while initially disconcerted when apprised of their vocational adjustments, observed, "Truth be told, ther e isn’t that much of a difference." Blau was optimistic that "I will be able to infuse my new janitorial charges with the ruchnius that Jeff Socol has made legendary. Torah u’Madda demands no less."

"Sheer financial genius," were the words used by Socol Sr. to describe his new arrangement for the Beis Medrash. "In one great plunge we have managed to trim the deadwood, and bolster sectors of the University that were literally crying out for some fresh meat. I have great hopes for everyone to produce at the highest possible level, or we may be forced to resort to further transfers. I think there are still positions available in the cafeteria." When asked why such radical measures have not been taken in other segments of the University, Socol answered "most offices in the University already have reached their peak performance. Just look at the Office of the Registrar."

Yeshiva University President Norman Lamm greeted the new arrangement by saying "Good. Now I can get some rich fool to endow another chair." Gladys Cherny, Lamm’s executive assistant muttered "I make up all his quotes anyway, so I can say that I think its a lovely idea, and I like the fact that us women can now openly assert our control over YU."