Duuude, Keep Off The Grass

Is there a hideous correlation between the mysterious glaze in the eyes of administrators and the harshly enforced law barring students from treading on the magnificent lawn at the entrance to Rubin Hall? Highly placed sources claim that our much protected grass is in reality a cultivated field of marijuana. This reporter secretly conducted chemical tests verifying this claim. The testing showed that the "grass" had an inordinate quantity of THC and was extremely addictive. Our investigation led us to the office of Dean Adler who only responded "I’ve got the munchies." Dean Hecht commented "Wow, man, look at my hand move."

Our team perused clues, which led us to the highest echelons of the YU community. We unearthed a scheme code named "The Burning Bush," masterminded by Norman Lamm, to keep the administration and especially the Registrar office on a constant high. The idea to keep people "happy" was baked up when Dr. Lamm realized that in order to keep a quality staff contently underpaid while at the same time having to deal with an inordinate amoung of annoying individuals, he would have to throw in a bit of an incentive. The result was that not only are the staff happy but they are actually addicted to working at YU.

What Dr. Lamm did not foresee were the problems that he would encounter when implementing this audacious conspiracy. He did not bargain for the strange side affects that have taken hold of the staff. Shirley's loving nature and violent tendencies have surfaced as a result of being high as a kite. Dean Adler cannot be more paranoid, and Dr. Brill now believes he can levitate. Rabbi Shmidman, Rabbi Chaifetz, and Ceil Levenson due to constant toking, have had their beans permanently refried. Strangely, Rabbi Carmy has been feeling no affect what so ever. Dr. Beukas believes that 185 and Amsterdam has become Broadway. The whole of the Registrars office has become completely incompetent. Even the security guards have been exposed to the substance, yet they seem to have developed an immunity to the herb.

Just look what has happened. As a result of smoking the Magic Buddha, Neil Harris has stopped embezeling is in serious need of Hazala, and Dr. Bernstein claims that he is the true son of Mary and Joseph ("Its written in the dead sea scrolls"). Dr. Haahr believes she is Rapunzel, and Dr. Feldman walks around in a toga repeating over and over "Et Tu Brute?"

MYP Rabbis have not been unaffected. When asked if he enjoys the ganja Rav Goldwicht responded "Its pilai pla’im, me’ein olam haba." When faced with these allegations Rabbi Charlop responded "Dude, just relax, man," and was heard making an exceptionally loud and emotional blessing of "boreh meenei besamim."

Ever wonder why there are always sandwiches in the deans office? Ever wonder why there is always catering for the dumbest speeches. For the students? We think not. David Rosen tried to quit but couldn’t hack it in the real world. When students heard these rumors they expressed anger and disappointment at the administration for not adhering to the stoner etiquette of sharing. Avraham Finkle a student at YU remarked "Torah U'maddah, sharing and caring, wake and bake, these principles are synonymous."

Students who short cut their way over the grass have been causing huge losses to YU and to Dr. Lamm’s personal stash. The security guards have been told to keep students off at all costs. However the language barrier prevented the implementation of these drastic measures. Consequently the administration, in their incessant quest to protect their plot, have erected the sign to ward off students. Maybe they should read it themselves and "keep off the grass."