Deli Messiah

Moshiach Found Hiding in Kasbah

"Yechi Adonenu Morainu Verabainu Melech Hamoshiach L’Olam Va’ed." Even after the Rebbe’s death these words can be heard throughout the world and especially in our very own Deli Kasbah. Since the Rebbe passed away, much rhetoric has been spewed as to whether or not he still exists or will return to redeem his flock. However, The Ordinary Potato, in an undercover investigation that has provided shocking results recently ascertained that the Moshiach still lives, though not in the form of Rabbi Schneersohn. The Moshiach ben David has been reincarnated in the form of Eyal Elkayim, the erstwhile manager of Deli Kasbah.

It has long been known that Mr. Elkayim possesses miraculous powers, such as the extraordinary ability to raise prices, the competency not to have most of the food listed on the menu at any given time,. and the personality enabling him to chase students out of his restaurant. He was also known to have been Mattir Assurim, specifically encouraging students to eat in the Caf, notwithstanding the questionable Kashrut of some of the foods served there.

Eyal hails from Peoria, Illinois, a small military outpost in, well, Illinois. Many rumors surround his birth, with some informing The Ordinary Potato, (though off the record), that he was conceived immaculately. However several of the YU janitorial staff disagreed with this possibility, citing the Rambam that the Moshiach must be flesh and blood. One of the Facilities management insiders claims to have a video that definitively proves that Eyal’s conception was anything but immaculate, but The Ordinary Potato was unable to verify this fact.

Eyal was then sent by his parents to the Marsha Stern Talmudic Academy, a school held in high regard in the greater New York Metropolitan Area. (Read: Washington Heights.) Eyal’s entire high school career was spent wrestling, "a good way to convince the non-believers that you are the Moshiach" as Eyal stated. His coach, Neil Ellman, told The Potato that "Eyal had amazing technique. He knew exactly what parts of his opponent to grab, and he would mumble kabbalistic incantations before hitting the mat."

After finishing high school, Eyal attended the Shabbtai Tzvi Academy for Messiahs in Crown Heights, Brooklyn. This institution is of course quite secretive, and some have linked it to the Halle-Bopp suicide cult. However, it evidently has proven to be a success as it has provided the world with yet another Moshiach.

In a ultra-secret interview with The Ordinary Potato, (so secret, that in fact Eyal is unaware of it himself), Eyal stated that "I have big plans for the world now that people have realized who I am. First off, I’m going to franchise Deli Kasbah around the world. Being the Moshiach and all, I’m going to need a source of income to supply me all those dollars that a Moshiach has to give out, and that pesky problem of my being the manager, well that’s taken care of." He continued his pronouncements, saying "now that I am a celebrity, I’m going to need a spokesperson. Luckily, this religion comes equipped with a Moshiach ben Yosef, and not surprisingly he’s been visiting my joint quite frequently throwing all sorts of crazy parties. His name is Yosef Levine and I think he’s involved in that evil rag called The Commentator." During the interview, Eyal had to escort (rather forcefully) certain unnamed MTA students from the premises

Meanwhile, Brooklyn is in an absolute uproar. Cries of "Eyal is the Rebbe" can be heard everywhere and for unfathomable reasons excessive alcohol consumption has accompanied the all the hysteria. However, alcohol consumption seems to accompany almost every event that transpires in these Hasidic enclaves in Brooklyn, so it remains up to the reader to decide whether this is a result of the unsurpassed excitement over the messianic coronation or not.