Kiruv (Bassar) Richuk Style

One of the highlights of the year in the Manhattan Jewish community was the richuk shabbaton which took place this past weekend at Yeshiva University. The shabbaton was sponsored by NCSY (National Coalition for Secular Youth) and Torah Ha'aish (the foremost organization concerned with advancing Jewish book burning).

The shabbaton's dual themes were shtiah and beiah, and everyone seemed to really get into the program. Many participants found the function to be enlightening, "I was glad to finally be relieved of of my burdensome oyl malchus shamayim ," said Shloime Greenberg.

The shabbaton got off to a flying start as the participants arrived immediately following shkiah and were issued electric key cards for their rooms. Following registration, participants joyfully surrendered their primitive religious articles. Many foolish looking skullcaps and black leather straps were discarded.

Shortly thereafter, eager attendees took to the streets to disparage young Jewish women lighting candles in a neo-Satanic ceremony. On the way back to the hotel many encountered a bunch of darkly clad medieval Jews on the way back from their archaic c hantings.

At 6:00 they returned to the hotel for the first of a series of seminars meant to ease participants out of traditional Judaism. H.L. Mencken delivered a stirring address outlining the pagan origins of Jewish liturgical services. Sruli Greenstein comm ented, "So why have I been getting up so early the past ten years? I'm getting a refund for my shana bet."

Dinner was catered by Red Lobster. The first course was a fish and meat platter which was eaten without hefsek. The main course was a savory kid braised in the milk of its mother.

Morty Goldberg remarked, "My friends had always told me that Burger King was good, hey is that a quarter over there!"

Many zmiros were sung during the course of the meal. Bob Dylan, who led the singing, reminded everyone that they were "not zmiros; they are Gregorian chants." The highlight of the singing was a resounding rendition of Sonei Hashem Te mimah led by Norman Lamb. Many songs were led by attractive young women who sang solo for everyone's enjoyment.

A series of group discussions followed dinner. The session was headlined by a discussion entitled "Halacha l'Moshe m'Sinai: How likely is that?" Other topics included "Niddah: A Medieval Superstition," "Natural Foreskin Restoration in Three Ea sy Steps," "The Cult of Animal Sacrifice and the Emotional Imbalance that Inclined P to Write About It," and "Lies, Distortions, and Fallacies: Morning Seder."

At this time, participants returned to their assigned rooms to partake of the evening's themes. Before returning to their rooms everyone was given a special shatnez blanket to keep them warm and cozy. Bill Kerry said, "I thought the blankets w ere a stroke of genius."

Morning wakeup was ignored (adhering to MYP guidelines) although most awoke in time for Saturday morning cartoons. Afternoon programming began with a priestly stroll through the neighborhood Jewish cemetery. The attendees then visited area synagogoue s for an afternoon of charity box pillaging and mezuzah tampering. Yechezkel Pennysnatcher commented, "It's much easier to make money on shabbos, whoops, I almost missed that nickel."

Shabbos was concluded with a moving havdalah ceremony. No candles were found so havdalah was deemed a rabbinic fabrication. Maury Heter explained, "If Hashem really wanted us to have havdalah, He would have let us find some candl es."

The night activities commenced with a trip to the Village. One hot spot in the Village served an exciting variety of imported yayin nesech previously used by an actual akum. Entrees included the blood and entrails of various prohibited rodents, neveilah, and scallops. Many of the participants never made it back from the Village. Those who were able to return to YU under their own power were treated to tevel sundaes. Issur Zalman Rabinowitz, a dedicated RIETS student who was chaperoning the event, remarked, "I topped my sundaes with some geshmach shrutzim. Fortunately, a rabbi blessed all the oychel removing any chashash of treifus." The leftovers were given as Mishloach Manos.