PR Director Charged with Fraud

YU Hurled From Rankings

The FBI, the CIA, the Chino, and the Burns Security officials came to YU on Thursday, March 12. They came to taste the cafeteria chicken schnitzel and to arrest YU Public Relations Director David Rosen.

"An acknowledged master of his craft," David Rosen was considered the gem of the YU administration. Under his leadership, YU rose from a 113 to a ranking of 45. Simultaneous with the rise in the polls, YU was also beginning to gain a little respect – numerous public relations successes brought recognition and fulfillment in outside circles.

First, in 1995, Amme Schneider donated 22 million dollars to Yeshiva University. According to The Times, she donated it because she believed "YU is a very good institution that represents American Jewry."

The donation by Amme Schneider was followed by the huge public relation success of the YU Community Literacy Club. Then, Aaron Feuerstein, a YU alumnus, kept paying his factory workers even after his factory burnt down. And then, an Einstein doctor, discovered a cure for something. And then PR was able to hire Hedy Shulman.

All of these great events made headlines in the newspapers. The Amme Schneider donation was covered on the front page of The Times’ B section, while the Aaron Feuerstein philanthropic deed was covered on the front page of the Wall Street Jou rnal.

But apparently all the putative succesive stories that created headlines in prestigious periodicals were total rubbish, the fictitious inventions of a sick mastermind, David Rosen – in real life Derrick Kanstancyokoloputsznoifsky.

Derrick Kanstancyokoloputsznoifsky came to America in 1962 as a young Bull System operating artist from Japan. The son of a Japanese manure manufacturer, Kanstancyokoloputsznoifsky was well trained in the art of public relations. His low beginnin gs also instilled him with an irrestible urge to succeed at all costs. Kanstancyokoloputsznoifsky knew what it was to be like at the lower tier, and he did not like it. One day in 1961, as his father was out shoveling humus, Kanstancyokoloputsznoifsky fl ed Japan.

Armed with only a plunger and a copy of Yeshiva Today, Kanstancyokoloputsznoifsky came to America unable to speak a word of American English, but well-versed in the universialities of language. At Ellis Island, the immigration officer was unable to pronounce the "r" of Derrick’s first name, so he changed Kanstancyokoloputsznoifsky name to David Rosen.

In a process that is still uncertain, David Rosen somehow came to Yeshiva University. In 1995, he inherited the post of chief mud slinger and defender of the faith – the head of YUPR.

It was about this time, administration officials say, that Rosen first noticed the beautiful woman who works as secretary for Rabbi Schmidman in the Dean’s Office on the Furst Floor of Furst.

An administration official, who asked to remain anonymous because everyone else at YU tries to be anonymous, said, "I remember that day vividly -- Rosen was hurryin to have a drink with Rabbi Schmidman, when he banged into Shirley. Rosen was like standing there blinking his eyes like a flippin idiot . . . scratching his head, rubbing his eyes, wobbling his gremlins."

The adminstration official continued with his description of the events. He said that after Rosen banged into Shirley, Shirley picked up a clipboard, smacked Rosen over the head, and shrieked, "Who the heck do you think you are!?" As Rosen continued to blink, Shirley laughed and then gave him a big wet kiss on the cheek and said, "Get out of my office, you dunce. GET OUT before I kick you out with my heel."

At that moment, adminstration officials say, Rosen fell madly in love with Shirley. Along with Yechiel Bontag and the other bow-tied groveller, Rosen hung around the office trying to catch Shirley’s eye. He reportedly performed amazing stunts. He st ood on his head, he rolled his eyes, he wobbled his gremlins, he unzipped his sneakers, he stuck his nose up like a dolphin, he combed his hair the other way, but all for naught. Shirley failed to notice the Director of YUPR Director David Rosen.

Jeffrey Locos said, off the record, that David Rosen decided then that Shirley wanted a more successful man, a prominent man, a man of high standing, a man whose reach could be felt, a man who could afford to wear silk boxers everyday, a slick man, a tough man, a man with bravado, a man who could roll the dice with the big boys! The one time Bull manure operator decided then that he could use his childhood talents to his advantage. So Rosen hatched an evil-minded, nefarious, salacious, lubricious, lecherous, yet absolutely perspicacious plan to shoot himself into the eye of the publick – and into the eye of his beloved Shirley.

First he invented the story of an old maid millionaire who had somehow accumulated 22 million bucks. To his suprise, the public and national periodicals believed. It was amazing. Rosen brought YU onto the front page of the B section of The Times. When Stern officials kept asking him where the money was, Rosen told them that they are all morons. And then he invented a story of how YU lawyers had temporarily fudged the inheritance, but, "Soon," he said, "we will have our money. "

But Shirley still did not see Rosen. Rosen proceededed surreptitiously, slyly, smoothly, roughly, openly, and with great recklessness to invent an elaborate plan to raise himself from his shrunken status.

Knowing full well that a YU alumnus is on the board of the US News and World Report, Rosen called him up and said that Rav Schachter said he is going directly to heaven if he puts YU in the first tier. The official agreed to raise YU if he received a written notice from Rav Schachter assuring him that he would go to heaven. Rosen told Rav Schachter that he would send him to heaven if he sends this guy to heaven. Rav Shachter agreed. In 1995, YU rose from the third tier to the second tier. And then Yeshiva stunned America by rising into the first tier in 1996, and Yeshiva stayed there in 1997.

Unfortunately for Rosen, Shirley still looked at only to her usual mates. In an uncontrollable, paroxysmical, fulminating fit of temper, Rosen teamed up with Nick Muzin to invent an "altruistic" YU club. Administration officials, who requested anonymity because they are pusillanimous punks, said that Rosen and Muzin were certain that no one in the entire universe would buy into that paradox. Jeffrey (I think I am cool and intelligent) Socol said, off the record, that Muzin said to Rosen, "Come on, who are you kidding? An altruistic YU club? Who is going to believe this? This is an inherent contradiction, a paradox of astronomical proportions. If this works, then I’ll be damned if I don’t get into Harvard Med."

It worked. In an unbelievable occurrence, television crews from channel 4 and channel 7 came down and televised the YU Community Literacy Club. Supposedly, YU students were helping students from the George Washington Highschool in their math and English.

Rosen and Muzin went out and had a beer. Jeffrey Socol said, off the record, "Rosen told me that no one will ever find out because none of those kids speak a word of English."

Rosen then hired Ceil Levinson to burn down Aaron Feuerstein's factory; Rosen paid Feuerstein to shutup, and he gave him money to pay his workers.

As Rosen finely weaved Bullvons Scathology on top of more Bullvons Scathology, his beloved Shirley continued to stay faithful, resolute, and firm with her faithful office mates. "My G-d," Rosen cried (administration officials say), "what in the world does this woman want from a man? I have money, I have my hair combed in the opposite direction, I have grown bigger and bigger everyday . . . nashim da’aton kalos haim! This is one stout-hearted woman."

It was in his state of perplexity and dumbfounded veneration that Rosen decided to risk all by confessing everything to Shirley. Dull-witted administration officials say Rosen said, "Maybe if I confess all to her, she will admire me greatly."

But the opposite proved to be the case. Shirley told Rosen that he better "haul his tuchus" out of YU or she will spill all to his wife, Diana. (Yes, Rosen was married the whole time.) It was a sad moment. The YUPR Director, who was the "Man behind the (fictitious) Message" for four years was leaving YU to take a job at the eminent public relations firm of Howard Rubenstein." The Commentator ran a headline proclaiming "Posen Pesigns," and Yeshiva Today said "Although YU is the best, Rosen says YU is the best."

But Rosen was gone for less than two weeks. The stout-hearted woman, Shirley, found a mellow spot in her heart for Rosen. Shirley told him he could come back. And Rosen and Shirley seemed to be gradually moving into a stronger and stronger friendship.

Could this be a sentimental romantic love story? Not with Shirley's two followers preventing it. Yechiel Bontag and his comrade did some investigative research on David Rosen, formerly Derrick Kanstancyokoloputsznoifsky. The two college investigators uncovered the whole mound of manure, the whole story of Kanstancyokoloputsznoifsky. It turned out that . . .

Bontag and his comrade alerted the national media. Before anyone at YU knew what happened, all the chicken schnitzel sandwiches in the cafeteria were gone, and Yeshiva and Rosen were unmasked in their sorry state.