Know Your Alternatives

Vote Tipper Gore this upcoming presidential election. her policies regarding censorship in music are not only appealing, but refreshing as well. Why should America’s youth be exposed to harmful language in a society already degraded by violence and talk shows featuring obese white trash declaring, “I take care of my kids and I ain’t never been to jail,” all while presenting an open palm into their neighbors’ face? What place do these colloquialisms have in a society filled with people whose entire existence is defined by their undying desire for the betterment of mankind? I endeavored to find a glimpse of the first hand reaction of the “right” people. In order to achieve my goal I decided to assemble 3 upstanding mothers of children in their early twenty’s and placed them in front of the MTV and observed their respective reactions.
Mom 1: Why are those bees chasing that poor man?
Me: Those bees will turn into the Wu-Tang Clan.
Mom 2: What religion is that?
Mom 3: Are you in a cult young man?
Me: No. Of course not.
Mom 2: I don’t like this in the least bit.
Mom 3: Look at him. What in the world is he meant to be?
Me: That’s Beck.
Mom 1: I don’t like his brazen hand shandy.
Mom 2: Nor do I like his foot action.
Mom 1: He’s got way too much foot action.
Mom 3: Who are those half naked women?
Me: That’s the Spice Girls.
Mom 3: My daughter would never buy this.
Me: Too late.
Mom 2: You know who I like?
Me: Who?
Mom 2: Those three young blonde boys…..
Me: Hanson.
Mom 2: Yes!!!!

We have a winner! Why should we even bother wasting our time on a devilish mastermind such as Marilyn Manson whose only desire is to initiate more young naïve children into his nefarious cult? Not only does he insult the public’s intelligence, he is downright banal. And what of our young slacker friend Beck? I’m unsure as to whether I can recall one article written about him that did not use the term “slacker” at least ten times. Many people like to call him brilliant. Young people see him on the TV and say “wow! look at that dance! that’s brilliant!” or “his lyrics are brilliant man!” “I’ve got a devil’s haircut in my mind.” Since when is being vague considered brilliant? I’ve read horrible college poetry in homage to the beat writers that have three times as much substance. Beck is about as brilliant as my left cheek. This leads us right to Hanson. Their lyrics aren’t oblique, they write nice melodies, and are wholesome and clean. They make music fun again. They don’t stand in one place while singing their songs like all forlorn, obsequious college complaint rock artists do. They move around, smile and entertain. They give me more bang for my buck. They represent everything right about America today…

I’ve got one turntable and a lot of Beatles records.