Secondhand Mussar

To the Editor:

Tuvya Breier wrote an article in the last issue of the Commentator stating that people who give mussar to smokers are mostly giving it for the wrong reasons and should stop.

I would like to address Mr. Breier's three categories of supposedly misguided mussar-givers. He claims that the first group are those who believe that they using "positive peer pressure" to convince smokers to end their addiction. He states that he "has never met a smoker who quit in order to end torment at the hands of his peers." I agree wholeheartedly. However, I continue to encourage my friends to stop smoking. How can I do such a thing? Am I relieving stress at the expense of my friends? No. I believe that even though my encouragement will not be the reason that my friends quit, it may in some small way help push them to overcome their laziness. All I hear from them is "I know I should quit, maybe next month." The goal of this mussar is not to inform the smoker of the issur of smoking, rather to try and motivate said smoker to action.

Mr. Breier also mentions that he, "would like to see the genuinely concerned bochur apply half as much zrizus to rebuking [negiah]." While I agree that this would be a pleasant turn of events, I think the perceived double standard is for an obvious reason. As he himself states, it is much harder to give mussar regarding an area of Halacha where the mussar-giver himself is not so careful. But do you really think the solution is to stop giving mussar entirely, because of a lack of mussar-ability in some areas?

Mr. Breier's second category is the environmental hypocrite. He mentions the fact that people who are so concerned about smoke in their air space do not seem to care about healthy eating habits, CFC's they use etc. Well in regards to the eating habits, medical conceptions of healthy and unhealthy foods seem to change almost by the minute. Additionally, most people can arrest the carbon monoxide and carcinogens entering their lungs from the smoker nearby simply by asking him to stop. Few have the ability to regulate the amount of ultraviolet rays that permeate their skin by turning off an air conditioner, or halt the destruction of rain forests with the same ease. When I am around smokers, my clothes smell and I undoubtedly inhale second hand smoke.

But wait, you say, why don't you just leave? But is that not encouraging the exact policy you wish to abolish, smokers treated as outcasts? So I try to encourage my friend to stop inhaling toxins because I would like to keep them as friends, simply minus this habit.

Mr. Breier gives the example of a person who fails to bathe; would we not move away from him, he asks. Well, if my friend began to disturb my olfactory senses due to a lack of good grooming, I would tell him to take a shower. I would not desert him because I found one characteristic of his slightly objectionable, rather I would encourage him to change so as to overcome his problem.

I believe that Mr. Breier's mistake is in the idea of mussar. Many people do things that they know are bad; they are simply too lazy to change or to care. The mussar given is not always to inform but to motivate. Mussar is to encourage one not to give in to the thought that there is no hope, why bother; but instead to take the first step towards positive change.

I think Mr. Breier perceives evils that exist perhaps only in his imagination. Those who warn him about the dangers of smoking may actually be concerned for his health. His perception of a societal "attack on smokers" is a condemnation of the action, not the person.

Only through condemning the action can we be sure that others won't fall in to the unfortunate pit Mr. Breier and many others have stumbled into. Such a condemnation of smoking may not help smokers per se, but it may lend a hand in contributing to the death of this deadly habit for future generations.

Clearly I can not understand the exact nature of an addiction to smoking. I certainly agree that mussar should be given with the realization that "you haven't walked a mile in his shoes," and the proper tact. However, to stop giving mussar completely as you suggest is pure folly. If we do not try to help each other who will help us? So, while I appreciate your advice that I will be wasting my breath, I will continue to "waste my breath" in the hope that I can save someone else's.

Maury Grebenau YC '00