Know Your Alternatives

I feel bad for you, the readers of my column. If only you could see what my columns look like before they are edited to death and all hilarity is lost.

Alas, it is early February and there aren’t many records to review and destroy. However, I was handed an advance copy of the new Spacehog record. Although lacking an "In the Meantime," it is much more of a cohesive unit, containing all of their live theatrics and what have you.

Several weeks ago, we were graced by a new release from the American champions Pearl Jam. In all honesty, the only reason why they are the world’s most famous American band (besides maybe Metallica, but they don’t even deserve to be thought of) is because Kurt Cobain took a shotgun to his head. I have serious issues with actually listening to this band. However, I am a brave soul. I believe that it is my duty, as the only connection to pop culture that this university has, to review what you would want reviewed. My only remaining (rhetorical) question is why seventy-five percent of this university hasn’t heard of even two of the bands that made my top ten list. You people are sad. Do you all live in a ghetto?

Pearl Jam-----------Yield (EPIC)

Nothing new. This is the same record we all bought way back in 1992. The tunes are somewhat new but contain all the same dynamics that propelled this band into the stratosphere in mid 1993. The first 3 songs pass by without having much impact. Track number 4, "Given to Fly" (the first single) is the first thing that contemplates grabbing your attention. Strangely, the track reminds me of U2. It seems that Pearl Jam may have been attempting to create the same mood that U2 created with the song "All I Want Is You." The fifth song begins showing promise as well. I am especially surprised because the song uses the same chord structures as many power pop songs. Unfortunately, Eddie Vedder decided to write lyrics of self loathing, and but one minute into.… I am bored. I hit next on my CD player.

Wait! I looked at the accompanying lyric book. The words aren’t bad at all. The song is called "WishList." If only someone in Seattle besides someone I’m not mentioning (but his initials are Kurt Cobain) could write a melody or pilfer a good chord sequence. The next two tracks are unbelievably boring, showing little innovation. This record makes you realize why all those LA hair metal bands are starting to tour again. They hear this bunk and say to themselves "If this is what the kids like, imagine what they’ll think of music that doesn’t support their desire to commit suicide!" Hey, I get it. I know why all you high school kids love this stuff. You think "Oh boy, someone older really knows how I feel." I do like the album separator and the hidden track, it reminds me of really bad Ween.

The rest of the record is more of the same, but hey! I finally figured out what annoys me the most about this record. Every song has the lyrical structure of someone who is trying too hard to impress the public with his writing skills. Stating phrases in a cohesive manner without fully forming sentences is not brilliant in a vague way, it is vague, pseudo intellectual wank. It sounds as if this band writes completely apart from each other, with Eddie Vedder hanging out writing words and phrases down in one corner of the world, while the rest of the band practices in another corner of the world. When the band finished writing thirteen songs and Eddie wrote down enough words for the tunes, they reunited and tried to put the puzzle together. Unfortunately, it is all too obvious which pieces are missing. Yet this is still better stuff than the Squirrel Nut Zippers and Billy Joel.

So what’s up? I’ve been thinking about President Clinton, Titanic, and other assorted horrors.

Titanic has been giving me nightmares; I’ve decided to never go on a cruise. I also have a newfound respect for Captain Stubbing and Gopher. In all those episodes the Love Boat never did sink. As for President Clinton, here’s my opinion…. The poor guy. The President of the United States should have a few perks. Here’s a guy with perhaps the greatest pickup line in the history of the world, and he can’t even use it. That’s wrong. Think about it. You’re hanging out in the White House cafeteria, and you spy a lovely brunette sitting at the third table from the right (remember folks, beauty is in the eye of the beholder). How can you help yourself? "Hey good looking, you want to know who I am? I’m the President of the United States of America, leader of the free world. How about dinner?" Hey! Even better, "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask how you can do your country." Hahaha. I’m so embarrassed to call myself a citizen of this country that I’m thinking of defecting to England.