Dear Fellow Students,

Hmm, oh you mean I actually have to write another one of these columns. That really isn't fair, I've have to write the presidential column for two years in a row now. Well, at least it's the Purim issue, so I can write whatever I want and just ascribe it to some late-night drinking binge at the editor-in-chief's apartment while discussing that well oiled machine called Yeshiva University. I mean, The Socol School for Self Advancement and Power. (Wow, this stuff is strong. Hey Fish, where do I buy these special cigarettes?)

Well I hope you all went to the Seforim sale and picked up your copy of Jefferey Socol's new book "The Grass is Always Greener Without the Students: My Life's Struggle to Keep Gus Off the Grass." Apparently, rumor has it that Jeff has called in a specialist in this case, one Wiley E. Coyote, to help him come up with his new plans for total grass dominance. Well Jeff, from all of us students here at Yeshiva University I think a resounding "Meep Meep!!!" is in order.

Now, on a more serious note, I know what bothers each and every student of Morg, the one problem which makes us cross our legs in horror and keeps us up late at night wondering. That's right, it's the age old question, will there be a guy at urinal A when I get to the bathroom thus rendering urinal B useless because it lacks a divider? Believe me, I know how you all feel. Oh wait, no I don't I have my own suite with a private bathroom, full maid service and my own minibar.

Well, maybe my perspective is a bit off, but I will try to answer anyway. Please bear with me because this was the administration's answer. Of course, it's a bit complicated. You see, putting in a divider would constitute a capital improvement to the building, thus they would have to bring our building up to code ( I didn't know that it wasn't). Then, they'd have to do crazy things like make sure it was wheelchair accessible, or that the elevators worked. G-d forbid, then, they'd have to fix the electrical systems in the building. Once they opened up the walls then all the students would complain to put Ethernet in the dorms. Furthermore, they'd actually have to repave the sidewalks to make them passable, closing down the streets for a couple of days because of the heavy machinery.

Now closing down the streets would give the students a reason to lobby once again for its opening and start a real ruckus in the papers. Once students understand the power of the press, they might learn to manipulate it and get things that they want done. Things that the students asked for would actually move up on our list of things to do, and soon who knows what would happen. I guess we'd actually have a school where the students are the number one priority instead of some number on the U.S. News and World Report.

Well, I think I got most of the explanation, but that is the basic gist of why we can't put a divider between the two stalls. But have no fear, the Yeshiva will still be painted every day and those guards will check our fire extinguishers daily. The Cafeteria will still be losing millions of dollars a year on paper, and the library will not be open Saturday night under any circumstances (except finals, but then they have to open Sunday a few hours late).

So I was thinking that I should write some more here, but the only way it would get in is if it was controversial. I put on my thinking Beret and thought. Maybe I could bash the Bikur Cholim Society, I mean why should they be visiting the sick when instead they could be involved in real extracurricular activities like be in the dramatics society or go to the opera. (I hope I am not offending anyone, because I would never write anything in here unless I really meant it. I mean, who would use the Commentator as a sounding board or as a forum just to get attention?) Well, I dropped that idea, since I figured it would probably be a 6000 word spread in the next Commentator anyway.

So I will shut up and let you read the rest of the paper and enjoy the lunacy.

Happy Purim,
Dror