Since it is Purim, I will ask Fishman's "Fier Kashes," the Four Questions:

Why is this Purim night different from all other nights?

1. Because on this Purim night we get inebriated, and on all other nights of the year I never get inebriated.

2. Because on this Purim day we don't go to class, and on all other days of the year I go to class.

3. Because on this Purim night we party, and on all other nights of the year I never party.

4. Because on this Purim day we are irreverent, act stupid, and have fun, and on all other days of the year I am never irreverent, acting stupid or having fun.

Continuing in this theme of confusing my holidays, I would like to remind everyone to do teshuvah, and repent from their erroneous and sinful ways. Those to whom this applies know exactly what I'm talking about. As for the rest of you lily-white, pure as driven snow hevrah, go out and perform an "aveirah kalah" in order that you should have something to repent. As for me, I am highly makpid to make sure that I perform at least one such small sin a day.

Speaking of sin, I wish to publically state that I had absolutely nothing to do with any of the egregious student transgressions of the University's hallowed disciplinary code that transpired this year. I had no hand in any pranks, stunts or other mayhem, and I certainly would not participate in any protests against the authorities. All of you students who had the chutzpah to block streets and make noise merely to stress a point to the administration should be ashamed of yourselves.

But I reserve my harshest criticism for those wild students who wantonly and willfully destroyed the school's property and the environment by daring to play football on our precious patch of grass, the only such one in the neighborhood. Jeff Socol expends precious energy and 1199 manpower on protecting our grass, and you selfish pigs think only of yourselves! For shame. Those of you who stole the signs will surely burn in hell.

In summation, "Tateh, Tatehnu, ich bet fun dir mechila far der aveiros fun alle der talmidim."

Have a Happy Drunken Purim