Anonymous Syms Dean Reveals All

Anonymous Dean seen for first time without foot in mouth.

This Commentator reporter was granted access to interview a high-ranking official in the Sy Syms School of Business (SSSB). The official wished to remain anonymous, citing the highly controversial nature of his comments. In compliance with his wishes, we will refer to him throughout the interview as DJ (Dean J) instead of his full name, Ira Jaskoll.

C: Thank you for granting this interview.

DJ: You're welcome. I think that the issues I will discuss with you needed to be brought to the forefront before it is too late.

C: You mention "important issues," can you elucidate on that?

DJ: I'm referring primarily to the problem of grade inflation.

C: How so?

DJ: Well, most of the classes we offer are joke courses. We don't actually teach anything in most of our classes. We just want our students to get good grades so that we can get them jobs after college.

C: I knew it. Uh, I mean, which classes are you referring to?

DJ: Well. Just about everything outside of accounting.

C: Why not accounting?

DJ: You see, we do occasionally get students in SSSB that show signs of actual intelligence. Somehow they slip through the cracks of YC and find their way to our program. We try to herd all our top students into one major where we can keep them away from our more "challenged" students.

C: That's very interesting. And is this successful?

DJ: Yes. We actually teach accounting and our students actually earn their grades in those classes. We need to maintain our contacts there. This way we can tell all prospective students about our accounting program.

C: Yes. That's all very exciting. But I'd like to know more about the rest of SSSB. What happens to all the other students?

DJ: Well, we try to offer classes that are geared to their strengths.

C: And what are their strengths?

DJ: We're still researching that.

C: How do you prepare them for life?

DJ: Not everyone can be directed towards a successful life in the world of business. Some must accept their mediocrity and move on from there. It is very helpful for our students that their peers in YC constantly ridicule them. This prepares them for all the derision and mockery that they are sure to face later in life.

C: Glad to be of service. How do these students maintain such high GPA's?

DJ: That's actually very easy. We have two ways of doing this. The first, and more successful way, is to give the same tests year in and year out.

C: Old news. Tell me more about it.

DJ: We first found out about this technique by watching how Bible courses were taught. Then we adapted it to fit our students. Now, some students still do not realize that all they need to do is get a copy of an old test. They will not learn anything new in class because our professors don't teach anything. They are actually professional caretakers, and not professors.

C: That explains a lot.

DJ: Some students will still fail.

C: Even with a copy of an old test?

DJ: Well, you can't help everyone. But the one's who are able to inflate their grades will be able to get jobs that would otherwise have never been available to them.

C: Such as?

DJ: Well. Security guards, tollbooth collectors, elevator operators at the 181st street train station.

C: And what about the students who still manage to fail their courses?

DJ: We get them jobs in the Registrars' Office.

C: Oh yeah, do you actually have semikha? I mean, it just seems difficult to believe.

DJ: No Comment.

C: Thank you. You've made a lot of things very clear to me.

DJ: You're welcome.