A few ideas did cross his mind. That high school down the street, MTA, occupying a prime piece of YU real estate yet unable to generate a significant profit for the YU coffers (payable as "rent," of course). Isn't it supposed to compensate, not merely educate? And then there is that pesky union of ingrates, 1199, demanding raises every few years. Isn't $1199 a month more than their members would be earning had they not immigrated to the United States? Besides, murmured Kessef to himself, "that's why I have my protégé Geoff, to keep them in line."

And that Kollel Elyon, those lazy learned men. Why must we support them? Don't they understand that America is abandoning the welfare system? Let them get jobs. "Lilmod U'Lilamed," as it says. And last, but certainly not least, are those annoying students at Stern, always complaining about not having the building next door. Do they really need more space? So what if their classes overlook a construction site? Everything has its price and is worth no more.

In a nondescript location not far away, a board meeting was taking place at the offices of the new Orthodox organization, Kahal. The members present were discussing ways to implement their philosophy at their favorite institution, Yeshiva University. Kahal, you must understand, is dedicated to ensuring the future of Torah U'Maddah, and advancing egalitarianism within Orthodoxy. What better place to start towards these lofty goals, they felt, than YU, the official home of Torah U'Maddah. Kahal's executive director, Paul Herman, led off with his pet project. "Why not move Stern College onto YU's main campus," he proposed. After all, he pointed out, locating all of the undergraduate schools on one campus would surely broaden the class offerings, thus enhancing the education of all its students due to the resources offered by a larger student body.

"But wouldn't that alienate the Roshei Yeshiva?" objected Green Blueberg, VP of Operations, "Don't you want to keep the dorms separated?" "Don't be silly," replied Herman, "Bar Ilan does it without any adverse consequences."

Also raised at the meeting were objections to the Kollel Elyon. "How can we condone such sexist elitism?" admonished one board member. Blueberg concurred, "We definitely must push for the establishment of a women's Kollel." "No, no, no," chided Herman, "the Kollel must be disbanded entirely, we can't build on such a rotten foundation." After further debate, the board decided to adopt Blueberg's recommendations on both issues. The undergraduate campuses must be merged and the Kollel Elyon shut down.

Some time passed and days turned into weeks as these musings and proposals gathered dust. Then one day, Blueberg and Kessef sat down together for lunch. As they were old friends going back to their high school days, they would periodically get together and share ideas, as they both understood how Kessef's work at YU and Blueberg's work at Kahal often focused on overlapping issues. As their discussion progressed, Blueberg brought up the proposals agreed to at the last Kahal meeting regarding merging YU's undergraduate campuses and shutting its Kollel Elyon.

"Interesting," mused Kessef, "I can't stand the Kollel Elyon, but I didn't realize that there was dissatisfaction with it in the community at large." "Oh yes," responded Blueberg, "It poses a great threat to the future of Egalitarian Orthodoxy. Its graduates are so narrow-minded that not one has endorsed any part of our agenda. Ever. And the idea of a respected university harboring a discriminatory graduate school in this day and age, it's ludicrous!"

It should come as no surprise that on that very afternoon Kessef and Blueberg decided to secretly unite to pursue their goals. Relocating Stern College to the University's Main Campus would save Kessef a lot of money while paving the way for Blueberg's goal of a broader curriculum. Just thinking about selling off all of that midtown real estate made Kessef giddy. Disbanding the Kollel Elyon would also save money, admittedly only a pittance as a portion of the total University budget, but the thought of opening a parallel women's kollel, doubling kollel expenditures, was too much for him to bear. Finally, bringing laughs to both Kessef and herself, Blueberg suggested including female actors in YCDS performances; after all as a program of the new joint college it wouldn't be able to discriminate. Additionally, "It would double ticket revenues!" they exclaimed in unison.

Only one problem remained before them - that of implementation. How to convince the masses that these changes were purely for their own good, with no financial motivations whatsoever? When they parted ways, Kessef promised to get to work on implementing their plans immediately. As for the almost certain opposition to come from reactionary elements among both the student bodies and the faculty, Kessef assured his friend that "students have never yet stopped anything at YU, and they never will."

As we all know, a secret is no fun if you can't repeat it, and so it came to pass that words of these devious plans began to leak out. In fact, The Commentator's star investigative reporter, David Goldziska was soon hot on the case. As he began to hear details of the plan to merge Yeshiva and Stern Colleges to one campus, he was immediately struck by the logistical problems that such a plan would cause. After all, he reasoned, if there is now not enough room for YC alone on the Main Campus, where would SCW fit in? Yeshiva University Propaganda (YUPr) Chief David Hosen was quick to point out that the space crunch would be solved by shuttering MTA and using its space for the College.

When Goldziska replied that he was still puzzled about where the SCW dorms would be, Hosen explained, "Since five girls comfortably fit in a room in Brookdale, having five girls sharing a room in Strenger Hall should pose no problems." In addition, Hosen pointed out, the Stern students would not even be aware of their physical conditions because they will be so "spiritually uplifted by the new thrice daily women's prayer groups led by world renowned Hazzanit Hannah Davida."

Although VP Kessef made himself unavailable for comment, causing some on campus to doubt his existence, Kahal's Herman went public, issuing a statement heralding the revival of Torah U'Maddah and the new feeling among women "that YU has something to offer them."

Needless to say, student sentiment within YC regarding this plan was lukewarm. As reported by Goldziska, "One haredi looking student, who wisely wished to remain anonymous, black hat on head, gemarah in hand, commented that the plan was the 'worst breach of tznius imaginable' and that after this 'Lakewood will stop accepting us.'"

A more moderate voice was heard to be saying that if he wanted to be in a co-ed environment he would "find a rocking party school, not pathetic YU." And in the YC offices, the onus was placed squarely where it always belongs, on Sy Syms. "If we didn't have that technical school teaching Corporate Finance, then none of them would have ever thought of launching this IPO," ranted one enraged dean. When it was pointed out to him that IPO's involve selling stock to the public for the first time, and that he was probably referring to an LBO, a type of takeover not being used here, he simply replied that adding another 18 credits of liberal arts requirements to the Sy Sym's core curriculum "would solve all them [sic] problems."

In SOY circles the opposition was more concrete, as concerned students looked for ways to prevent the merger from occurring. SOY VP for Business Affairs C. Dov Levin proposed selling all of the seforim to be found on campus for $1 in a series of "fire sales" designed to both raise public awareness about the seriousness of the issue and raise funds to buy out Kahal's Board of Directors, which would scuttle the merger. When informed of this activity, and of its success in raising $18,000 during its first week, YUPr's Hosen downplayed the effort, calling it "another instance of MYP's insensitive condescension." Levin countered the argument that it was just MYP's condescension by pointing to commitments from MTA's student council and Stern's TAC to join in his efforts. And with triple the hard work, he said, "It is sure to be successful."

High up on the 20^th floor of Belfer Hall, none of this went unnoticed. Kessef, sensing the threat to his plans posed by Levin's SOY book selling, and never willing to accept defeat, quickly decided that he must effectively quash the opposition immediately. He picked up his phone and called his faithful expediter Geoff. "Geoff," he said, "We have to put a stop to this. I've decided. There won't be an SOY Seforim Sale this year. Wreck the elevators in Belfer if you must, but the sale may not go on." Geoff promised that he would deal with it immediately. Within minutes the Main Campus was plastered with signs detailing Phase 8 of The Belfer Hall Elevator Reconstruction Project which would preclude the elevators from stopping on any floor between 1 and 17. And without elevator access to the fifth floor could there possibly be a Seforim Sale?

Even in the far corners of the Main Campus the proposed YC-SCW merger, as it came to be thought of, evoked negative reactions. Yeshiva College Dramatics Society director Antonio Buchese publicized his decision to no longer allow females in the audience of YCDS performances, citing the lack of tzniut implicit in having men and women sit together in a darkened room. When asked why he had not previously prohibited women from attending YCDS performances despite his earnest efforts to strictly adhere to all of the rabbinical dictates, he pointed out that times change and when making chumrahs we must always realize that, "If there is a layman's will, then there must be a halakhic way."

Even more startling was the sudden reappearance of a defunct student newspaper known as The Exchange. Its first (and probably last) issue of the millennium led off with headlines reporting on a survey of the Stern student body regarding their opinions of the planned merger. The survey, which was carried out as a joint class project by the SCW and SSSB-Midtown statistics classes, found that an amazing 88.7% of the students on the Midtown Campus were in opposition to the merger. Of the remaining 11.3%, 9% had no opinion and 2.3% were in favor of it. The study had a 3% margin of error, making it quite possible that approximately 0.00% of the students supported the proposed merger. While the pollsters were unable to solicit comment from any of the merger's supporters, the general sentiment of those students who were against it was that they would rather leave YU than merge with YC. As one SCW student put it, "I'd rather go to Yale than to a co-ed YU. At least at Yale we all knows that what they do is wrong." Another even went so far as suggesting that she would move next door and attend the new Catholic seminary, Miracle on 34^th Street, rather than, "expose myself to that tamei environment."

When presented with this evidence of the students' displeasure with the merger, Kahal's Herman was aghast. After some initial stammering and stuttering, he responded by positing that the poll just highlighted the deficiencies in the respondents education. "Had they had a decent egalitarian education they would embrace our work with open arms," he said. "This only highlights the necessity and urgency for consummating the merger."

Meanwhile, on the Main Campus, preparations for the SOY Seforim Sale were progressing rapidly. After being denied use of the elevator's in Belfer Hall, at Kessef's behest, the Seforim Sale was able to prevail on Geoff to provide it with enhanced access to the stairways, making the sale possible. Ever trying to keep a positive face on things, SOY VP Levin was heard to say, "After running up four flights of steps our customers will spend even more money at the new SOY concession stands," enabling to SOY to raise more money than ever, in this "time of need." When questioned about how he prevailed on Geoff to make the stairways available, he explained to SOY members that Geoff knows, "Never mess with Levin."

Will the merger be successful, or will it be derailed by SOY fund raising? Only time will tell.