My Purpose, Unknown

To the Editor:

As an employee of Yeshiva University and a former student, I feel I must complain about an injustice that is being done to the student body. Precious resources are being wasted and good money is being thrown away.

That's right, they are paying me a salary. I don't even have a job description, let alone a job to do. They call me Student Services Coordinator, but who ever heard of any services for students, let alone someone to coordinate them? I just follow the example of my boss, Dr. Nulman, and manage to look really busy while doing absolutely nothing. (And I don't even have to deal with all the idiots upstairs!). I hang out in the gym, check my email all day, web cruise when no one is looking, and take really long lunch breaks. They even just gave me a new office - the big corner one! All for doing nothing.

But the best part of his job is the wonders it has done for my social life, and I can sum it up for you in two words: cheap freakin' dates. My girlfriend used to complain all the time that I never took her anywhere and just lay on my bed in my dirty sweats watching sports on the TV. Nag, nag , nag. But now I can take her to all sorts of cool events, like the Orientation Cruise, the Chanukah Extravaganza, and even the Super Bowl party. Why in the span of one week we went bowling, and got to see a Knick game! We haven't had so much action since I last bought her a really cheap necktie! Sometimes, if we're lucky, we even get free Dougie's to take home with us!

So, in the interest of the students (after all, that's what I'm really supposed to care about), I feel it needs to be brought to the attention of The Commentator that I am always a fat, juicy (albeit well-dressed) target for a story, and that I deserve to see more of my name in print.

Andrew Leibowitz
Coordinator of Unspecified Services

Related Site:

• Student Services' Web Page, in all its glory