Yeshiva University Moves to Shut Down College for Stern Women

An unreliable source has informed The Commentator this week of Rabbi Dr. Norman Lamm's pending decision to shut down the College for Stern Women at the close of the semester. The move would be consistent with Rabbi Lamb's decision to close down The Marsha Stern Talmudical Academy stating that "There is no room for females anywhere in society."

Moses and Jacobs to Wed

The Commentator wishes to congratulate Adam Moses and Susan Jacobs on their recent engagement. The wedding, scheduled to take place on April 1, was said to be a match "made in heaven" by such leading authorities as Rabbi Norman Lamm, who indicated that he loves it when Uptown students unite with their downtown counterparts in procreative endeavors. Giving them the ancient Torah U'Maddah blessing of "May you never be machmir in the laws of Niddah," Lamm is also purported to be the Mesader Kiddushin for the two love birds.

Monica Lewinsky Attended Stern

A recent discovery of lost Yeshiva University records has revealed that Monica Lewinsky attended Stern College, SSSB '90, and dropped out after receiving a lucrative internship with Sheldon Socol.

New YU Web Site Declared Huge Success

A mere four months after the announcement by YUPR that they had revamped the official YU web site, it has been declared a complete success by the Office of Public Relations. Although YUPR has never found anything to be less than a complete success, the office explained that they really mean it this time. Said June Glazer, editor of the esteemed publication YU Last Year, "A good time was had by all."

YCDS Explores Options

The Yeshiva College Dramatics Society announced yesterday that it has succumbed both to student pressure and common sense and will allow cross-dressing and actual female actors in its plays. Dr. Anthony Beukas, czar of YU dramatic arts, explained, "In the past, all the female roles were played by male actors. Both the administration and I were more comfortable with that arrangement. But I was in the minority, and due to popular demand I had to switch teams, to the side that wanted females in female roles."

Levovitz Appointed Head of Revived Kollel Elyon

Just as everyone had accepted the demise of the well-respected Kollel Elyon, it has been revived in an unexpected turn of events. An anonymous donor stepped in recently to attempt to revive the advanced smicha program, and pledged an amount of money on the order of ten million dollars to help restore the kollel to its former glory. However, the donor had specified that he wanted a more progressive and modernized trend to the Kollel. The board of trustees, well known for their strict adherence to the Torah principle of kesef kesef tirdof, readily agreed to find an appropriate replacement for the ever popular yet somewhat controversial Rav Aharon Kahn, former Rosh Kollel of the Kollel Elyon.

Liberal Arts Majors Permitted to Attend OPCS Career Fair

Last week, the Office of Displaced Persons' Career Services held a Career Fair for all Yeshiva University students looking for jobs in Accounting and Finance. OPCS billed the event as open to all students, including Liberal Arts majors. The office stressed that there were many opportunities open to students majoring in history, philosophy, and political science. "They could work in Shirley's office," explained Naomi Kapp, Matron Saint of the OPCS. "Some have even gone on to lucrative careers as administrative assistants or toll booth collectors."

New University Campus Announced

The Yeshiva University Public Relations Department recently announced the proposed opening of a new campus to replace the aging and crumbling Uptown Campus. Director of YUPR David "I faked my own resignation for a publicity stunt" Rosen, announced, "The facade of Yeshiva University is crumbling. A new campus is in the process of being built to accommodate the continuation of the goals of Yeshiva University." When asked for further details, he declined to comment saying, "You guys seem to think that I get paid to decimate [sic] info."

Unexpected Benefactors Offer to Smoke MTA's Problems

In a surprising development a new benefactor has appeared on the scene to help keep The Marsha Stern Talmudic Academy, more commonly known as MTA, at its present location in downtown Washington Heights. The donors, Nacho "Herb" Sanchez and Samuel de la Sosa, are local businessmen in the import-export trade. Sanchez remarked, "Some of our best customers are students at MTA. We could not afford to have them leave our neighborhood."

Stern Unveils Pre-Nup Program

In response to the new Honors College being implemented at Yeshiva College, Stern College has announced the addition of a new program around which the entire school will be restructured. While Stern already has nominal pre-law and pre-med programs, it will now have a pre-nup program as well.

Rabbi Cheifetz Departs... Finally!!

In a long overdue statement today, Rabbi Joshua Cheifetz announced that he is retiring from his position as Director of University Housing. Replacing him will be Dr. Chaim Nissel, who will attempt to fill Rabbi Cheifetz's tall and ugly shoes.

News: Between the Lines