Rabbi Cheifetz Departs... Finally!!

In a long overdue statement today, Rabbi Joshua Cheifetz announced that he is retiring from his position as Director of University Housing. Replacing him will be Dr. Chaim Nissel, who will attempt to fill Rabbi Cheifetz's tall and ugly shoes.

Commenting on Cheifetz's departure, Nissel commented, "It is a very sad day on campus. I can only hope to live up to the legacy that is being left behind." Asked as to what legacy he was referring, he commented, "I would love to walk around campus in my robe and go to the hot tub with the guys." Sruli Tannenbaum, long time student on campus and soon to be co-director of Student Finance, agreed, adding that he treasured the long conversations he had with Rabbi Cheifetz in the tub.

Cheifetz will now move on to pursue a nobler profession as a psychoanalyst, counseling young black teenagers at the local YMCA. "I think that they would gain from my years of counseling experience. What's even better is that they have free housing on the premises for all the psychology staff." Asked to sum up his experience at YU, Cheifetz replied, "Two words: free rent." Nissel said he is looking forward to moving into his new apartment and staying there for the next 50 years.

The Commentator caught up with some of Rabbi Cheifetz's old college roommates to find out what it was like rooming with YC's once esteemed housing coordinator. Moshe J. Bernstein, his freshman roommate, said, "Josh was a real party animal when he was in college. If there was a kegger, he was there. It was probably because he had such a large tolerance for alcohol. For some reason, even back then, he had a sign hanging on the door asking all troubled students to stop by. He usually told me to leave to give them privacy. He must have had a knack for it; when students left his room they always had a big smile on their faces."

Dean of Students Efrem Nulman added his own heartfelt goodbyes. "Joshua was integral part of our student service team. He was a great help in solving the housing problem once he got a hold of what exactly the problems were. He usually suggested moving students into local community housing, pawning them off as foster children. He was also instrumental in instituting Dorm Talks in order to tackle the tough issues as they arose." Asked which dorm Talk had been the most beneficial to students, Nulman replied, "Without a question, 'Dating, Pluralism, a Mixed Hot Tubbing.'"

Mrs. Judas, Secretary to the Gods, noted how Rabbi Cheifetz was a pioneer in instituting policy in Yeshiva. Specifically, she referred to his policy of confiscating all Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues and giving them to her grandchildren. Although she was sad at his departure, she said his leaving was bittersweet. "I am sad to see him go, but at least he'll finally take all the garbage that has piled up in his office and throw it out!" Dean Michael Shmidman added his usually effusive comments, saying, "Blah blah blah blah blah, good Shabbos."

A farewell party is scheduled to take place in the near future, but has been put on hold until it can be fully confirmed that Cheifetz has finally left the campus.