Monica Lewinsky Attended Stern

Rotund Maidele Made Her Presence Felt

A recent discovery of lost Yeshiva University records has revealed that Monica Lewinsky attended Stern College, SSSB '90, and dropped out after receiving a lucrative internship with Sheldon Socol.

Using an exclusive phone tap courtesy of the Russian Hacker/Porno-Download-in-the-Library Club we provide you with this transcript:

Sheldon: Jeffrey, I have some good news for you!

Jeff: What Daddy? What? Did you get me a new fire engine like we saw at Toys R'Us?

Sheldon: No Jeffrey. You know that we can't afford new toys until after the budget meeting. I already told you I am working on a major layoff to get you that PlayStation you wanted.

Jeff: Yippee!

Sheldon: There is something else I want to tell you Jeffrey. It's about that woman in my office, the one with the blue dress. She may be your new mommy depending on Rav Tendler's psak.

Jeff: (sniffling) I don't like her, daddy. Once you met her, you began to smoke those big cigars.

Sheldon: It's okay son. You will grow to love her, just as I always do.

The discovery affirms what has been long suspected - the curvaceous brunette is a SCW alumna. "She shops at the Gap, not too bright, incredibly annoying, and obviously went to Sharfman's. Who could have thought otherwise?" asked Shlomie Hockerberg, YC '00.

Yet some Yeshiva bochrim appeared to be interested in pursuing the rotund maidele despite her shortcomings. Known for her designer clothes, many were curious what siman to look for on her dress. "It's not Hilfiga, I'll tell you that," attested Chaim Berlin, SSSB '01.

Her transcript reflects interest and skill in public speech. Newly mustached speech teacher Anthony Beukas commented, "She's orally gifted, yet not quite my style."

Some Yeshiva administrators have refused to comment on whether Lewinsky attended Stern. When asked about Lewinsky's matriculation at Stern, Yeshiva University President Norman Lamm said, "I never knew that woman, Miss Lewinsky." Lamm later acknowledged, "Well, she once brought me pizza and a box of Paskez mints. I can't remember why, but I think it had to do with that email she sent me."

One economics professor appeared interested in offering the alum an academic position. "Does she wear a yarmulke? If so, maybe she can teach economics here." Dean Michael Shmidman commented on the situation, saying, "Blah blah blah blah blah, good Shabbos."

The Commentator has discovered that one Adam Robert Moses had a long-term relationship with the Stern alumna. "She was a bit oleaginous for me. Our dates were filled with a plethora of libidinous and cajoling banter. To my chagrin she failed to meet my stratospheric criteria, plus she was a Jewess."