Moses and Jacobs to Wed

The Commentator wishes to congratulate Adam Moses and Susan Jacobs on their recent engagement. The wedding, scheduled to take place on April 1, was said to be a match "made in heaven" by such leading authorities as Rabbi Norman Lamm, who indicated that he loves it when Uptown students unite with their downtown counterparts in procreative endeavors. Giving them the ancient Torah U'Maddah blessing of "May you never be machmir in the laws of Niddah," Lamm is also purported to be the Mesader Kiddushin for the two love birds.

This union also marks a drastic departure from the couple's past relationships, which had revolved around mindless bickering and pointless argumentation. When questioned about the engagement, Moses replied "I found her cantankerous outbursts to be quite sexy." Jacobs herself noted, "well, um, well, um, um, he like gave me a large, um, diamond ring." Moses added in his deep and sonorous voice, "It was actually cubic zirconium."

Jacobs, obviously elated by her remarkable good fortune, gushed, "I never knew men could be this much fun. This is the best day of my life." Moses agreed, "This is easily the best day of Susan's life."

Jacobs was so exited by the announcement of the marriage that she actually included real news ("The Truth About Kippah Knitting") in The Observer, a noticeable departure from the paper's motto, "To Observe and Not Report." She was later found unconscious in a shopping mall, apparently overly exited by the prospect of having a joint checking account. As she came to, in her delirious state, Jacobs was overheard to murmur, "You know what they say about a guy who uses big words."

Moses had initially planned to pursue semikha. Instead, he has decided to create "The Organization of Livestock Aficionados" to ease the fiscal burden of marrying a Stern girl. "There is money to made in the goat industry, and they're so pretty," said Moses, who has an affinity for goat herding in the Greek tradition. He is planning to move with his woman to the plains of Kansas "so both my loves can graze." Together, Susan and Adam hope to begin a cult to be named "Cohabitation, Contraband Substances and Carlebach," whose goal will be to put out a pro-pot newspaper, The Cultivator, which will include very large words about completely pointless issues.

The two editors are to be married in the Church of Mary Juana in the town of Doyouwanna, Mexico. The Church's spiritual leader, Reverend Nacho Gomez, said of the wedding, "Yo quiero Taco Bell," and "Mucho cerveza."

Both the Commentator and Observer staffs will be there to witness this momentous occasion. Moses' Commentator Co-editor, Mordechai Fishman, commented, as he deeply inhaled the exhaust pipe of his El Dorado and chased it with some gasoline, "For a Brahman, true nirvana can only be reached through the negation of the self and the striving for nothingness."