New University Campus Announced

The Yeshiva University Public Relations Department recently announced the proposed opening of a new campus to replace the aging and crumbling Uptown Campus. Director of YUPR David "I faked my own resignation for a publicity stunt" Rosen, announced, "The facade of Yeshiva University is crumbling. A new campus is in the process of being built to accommodate the continuation of the goals of Yeshiva University." When asked for further details, he declined to comment saying, "You guys seem to think that I get paid to decimate [sic] info."

The Commentator has learned from anonymous sources, that the campus is being built on a sound stage outside Hollywood, California. The plans include stages set as classrooms and offices for YUPR and Development Departments. This will allow YUPR to photograph "YU scenes" for their publications without actually having the expense of hiring faculty and developing curriculums. Also of note were exterior walls with Velcro nameplates. Sources indicate that this will enable YU to name the campus after more multiple donors.

"Blah blah blah blah blah, good Shabbos," said Dean Michael Shmidman.

Models are currently being cast for both student and faculty positions. "Why do we need a thousand students when we can photograph twenty or thirty at most?" wondered an anonymous source within YUPR.

As the new campus is a theatrical production, new staff will have to be hired, as Unionized labor is required. The Screen Actors Guild reacted unfavorably to having members of the 1199 staff the new campus. Their spokesman said, "Sorry, the system used by the former Soviet Union won't work here." When asked to clarify that statement, he replied, "You know - they pretend to work, we pretend to pay them."

Jeff "If we don't build it, they won't come" Socol has already announced that he is leaving YU as a result of the construction of a new campus. As the new campus has to be built to safety codes, he has refused to take part in its construction. "If I can't use shoddy and second-rate material, I don't want to take part. I'm an artist you know." An assistant of his was quoted him as saying, "Mr. Socol has already announced that he has taken a new position." The Port Authority of New York and New Jersey recently announced that Mr. Socol has been hired as Special Projects Coordinator. He has already begun planning several projects for the coming year. They include repainting the tollbooths at all the tunnel crossings during rush-hour and the repaving of all the runways at Newark, LaGuardia, and JFK airports on Christmas Eve.