Unexpected Benefactors Offer to Smoke MTA's Problems

Local Businessmen to Enhance Student Life

In a surprising development a new benefactor has appeared on the scene to help keep The Marsha Stern Talmudic Academy, more commonly known as MTA, at its present location in downtown Washington Heights. The donors, Nacho "Herb" Sanchez and Samuel de la Sosa, are local businessmen in the import-export trade. Sanchez remarked, "Some of our best customers are students at MTA. We could not afford to have them leave our neighborhood."

In addition to staying in the main building on the Yeshiva University campus, where it has held classes for the past eighty years, MTA will be announcing additional changes over the next couple of weeks. In honor of the donors, the school name will be changed from The Marsha Stern Talmudic Academy (MTA) to Po'alei v'Ohavei Torah (POT).

The laboratories at MTA will be converted to greenhouses for agricultural use, thus increasing the supply and lowering the prices of necessary consumer commodities in the region.

Shlomo "The Grim Reefer" Goldman, a senior at MTA, remarked, "I steal money from my father's wallet once a week to pay for my classroom expenses. Now I can save my father money by stealing his money every other week."

The labs will be taught by MTA teachers, who will be assisted by professional cultivators flown in from South America. One of the new lab assistants, Rabbi Juan Don Rio elucidated, "I not know lot about Judios, and I not good hablo Ingles, but I looking forward to meeting the gringo estudiantes." One student, Moishe (Mo) Grass a fifth year sophomore remarked, "I got kicked outta three schools in the area in the past two years, but I think I'm gonna like it here. I've already signed up for all the lab courses."

Additional classes that will be added to the schedule are International Economics, Caribbean and Swiss Banking Laws, Criminal Justice, Extradition and Immunity, as well as Spanish I, Spanish II, Spanish II, and Spanish IV. All courses taught in Spanish, "la lingua santo," will be held in the morning and will be replacing Judaic studies courses.

None of the rabbis and teachers who taught Hebrew and Judaic courses will be fired, however most will be reassigned to Burns Security to replace all the security guards that have been hired to teach the new Spanish classes.

Many Yeshiva University officials were initially opposed to the new format being implemented at MTA. Rabbi Doctor Norman Lamm expressed his concern; "I am concerned." After meeting with Sanchez and de la Sosa for an hour, Lamm had a change of heart, "I am no longer concerned."

MTA Principal Rabbi Michael Taubes and General Studies Coordinator Dr. Seth Taylor were also dismayed to learn of the changes. Taubes commented, "This is a Jewish high school and we should be teaching our students Gemarah and other Judaic studies." Taylor added, "There is no place in this school for drugs...Well, no more than we already have." Taubes and Taylor quickly retracted their statements after learning that their salaries will be raised to two million dollars a year in untraceable non-consecutive twenty dollar bills.

In a related story, MTA will announce that it has received, in the last two days alone, a record 387 applications for prospective students for next year. Included in this figure are 60 transfers from other local high schools and all three Beastie Boys who have decided that it's finally a good time to get their high school diplomas.

When asked to comment David Rosen, Director of YU Public Relations, said, "This will keep our school and community interacting. I can see a broad range of events spanning from an Herbal Hannuka Dinner, to the Coolio Night in the Hood sponsored by Havana Women's organization."