Yeshiva University Moves to Shut Down College for Stern Women

Stern Students flock en masse to block street in protest of closure.

An unreliable source has informed The Commentator this week of Rabbi Dr. Norman Lamm's pending decision to shut down the College for Stern Women at the close of the semester. The move would be consistent with Rabbi Lamb's decision to close down The Marsha Stern Talmudical Academy stating that "There is no room for females anywhere in society."

David Rosen, Director of Public Relations and Face Saver for Lamm and the entire University, stated, "While Rabbi Lamm's quote was taken out of context, there is a definite place for women in society, but a religious institution is not that place." He later stated, "Culinary school might be a better solution for those women looking to attain a higher education and useful skills for life."

Plans of the shutdown will become official later this week when YUPR will accidentally leak incomplete and incorrect information to The Jewish Week.

Coming as no surprise to this Commentator reporter, Vice President of Finance (and anything else that he feels enters his fascist regime) Sheldon Socol is the true mastermind behind the plans for shutdown. When asked about his personal influence on the decision, Socol muttered, "Lamm can't stop me...uh...no comment. YUPR shovels all the manure you need." Socol then retreated to his office mumbling something involving a fence, a paddle, a spanking, and son Jeff.

When asked about her opinions on the shutdown, Observer Editor-in Chief, Susan Jacobs, stated, "The plan was merely a vicious muckraking ploy by The Commentator." She went on to say, "I'll believe it when I read it in Yeshiva Today."

College for Stern Women Student Council President, Shameless Con, was not overly concerned with the impending shutdown. She stated, "It is not the students' responsibility to worry about such non-important decisions. It is our responsibility to take our remaining months at this institution to find some good Yeshiva College boy for marriage in order that we may thrust ourselves into full adulthood well before we are ready." Other prominent women on campus were unavailable for comment as we are amidst another 'No-Tax' week here in New York.

Reaction in the wider University community was mixed. Rav Aharon "Genghis" Kahn, MYP Rosh Yeshiva and designated outspoken loony on religious issues, said, "Good. Now we can have a Chagiga without having the prostitutes in the Mikdosh." Rabbi Julius Parness added that, in fact, "women have a very limited place in a Torah-true society." Parness then proceeded to rush off saying "My wife, like a good woman, has dinner waiting for me on the table."

"Women? Who needs them?" asked Dr. Anthony Beukas, Artistic Director of YCDS. "I certainly don't. There is enough young male talent around here for me. I look forward to the fresh artistic crop that will be attracted by our males-only status. I look forward to getting to know them."

Ceil Levinson, the beloved YC secretary, professed to be confused by the entire affair. "What College for Stern Women? Who's Stern? Is he a Dean?" she asked. Ceil's colleague, Shirley Auslander, expressed no regret about the developments, saying "I never wanted to kiss the girls anyway." Upon hearing this, Dean Michael Shmidman added, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, good Shabbos." Shirley's assistant, Eric Freeman, seemed a little lost, wearing nothing but a bow tie, a Yankee hat, and a trench coat while singing 'Swanee' in Yiddish.

The saddest man on campus seemed to be Jake Lieberman, Associate Director of Food Services. "What will I do with all the food? You Jews are always complaining, you never appreciate the hard work it takes get you the *#@%!! food - especially those women. Now I am going to lose another $400,000,000 a year."

Dean Zelda Braun was asked to comment on the closing of the girls' school. Infuriated, she answered, "They're not girls they are Women!" However, no evidence could be found to substantiate her statements.

After much investigative reporting, The Commentator has learned that a unified front is being put up to keep the school open. Leading this pack is a one Michael Sussman, who was quoted as saying, "If they close that school I will personally kill Sheldon Socol!!!" After calling him for confirmation, The Commentator learned that he had vacated his premises after the FBI raided his current abode.

According to unconfirmed sources, the current Stern buildings will be sold at a discount to the adjacent Catholic Seminary, making the Catholic school the most prominent religious institution in the area - as if it wasn't already.

It is expected that women currently attending Stern College will be turned loose in the city. Many will reportedly join the circus when Ringling Brothers comes to town later this month. "Bearded ladies are always in demand," said one YC student. The remaining Stern women will likely propose to as many Yeshiva boys as possible, hoping that there are still YC guys stupid enough to marry Stern girls.

A protest is apparently in the works to save Stern, but quite frankly, nobody seems to care.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY WE'RE BUMMED THEY'RE CLOSING THE COLLEGE FOR STERN WOMEN:

And the number one reason why we're bummed they're closing down the college for Stern women:
1. Who's Bummed?