The Confiscator -- Purim 5760 -- The Toilet Paper

The Confiscator
Purim 5760

The Netivot Shalom, that stupendously saintly sage from Slonim, succinctly summed up Purim in a single sentence: "Purim hu hachag shel achdut." By this, he meant that the holiday must force us to find and freely flourish our feelings of friendship.

He writes that this sense of society stems from the source of civility that semi-annually springs forth on both Purim and on Yom Kippur. Chazal presciently point out that the title "Yom Kippurim" may be broken up into the words "Yom K'Purim" (day like Purim)." This striking similarity signals a strong symmetry between the two holidays. On Yom Kippur, we, as a coherent community, cry a clarion call convening even culprits to Kol Nidre, corresponding to the currents of cooperation that course through our collective consciousness.

Paralleling this propensity for peace, on Purim we present parcels to our pals, thereby patently proclaiming our passion for platonic plurality. We also benevolently bestow bounteous boons on the bankrupt, building brotherhood in our band of believers. These acts assure achdut's augmentation, while actively aiding our amused attitude towards our associates.

Our tremendous teacher Rav Joseph B. Soloveitchik, proposed to his pupils that Purim was not so much a period as a p'concept. "I heard many times from the tatteh and from the zayde, that the idea of Purim idealizes the internal inspiration of our independent island of idealism," he would intermittently interdict during his instruction on masechet idiyot. "Kant also believed this," he would finally finish, "and if der tatte and Kant hut getuhn azoi, we must too."

In light of this, and in light of the fact that we, as Jews, represent both mizbachot (altars), with the Mizbeyach HaNechoshet- the outer, copper altar upon which sacrifices were brought representing our consecration of our physical body and capabilities, and the Mizbeyach HaZahav- the inner, golden altar which was reserved for ketoret (Inasence)- representing our consecration of our soul, our spiritual, intangible, inchoate, ephemeral inner being, I feel impelled to thank a host of people, thereby increasing shalom, happiness and Purim spirit. I am Aton.

A hearty hurrah of Hakarat HaTov to my A Team, as well as the B, C and D Teams. A roaring round of recognition to David Regev (Hamin ha'etz hazeh tochailu), Ephraim Shapiro (Kermit, Webmaster for sesamestreet.com) , Ben Breda (SOY Sauce Chesed: bringing sushi to a hospital near you), David Mahler (Mussar Avicha, Torat Imecha), All the Hamevasser people wherever they might be, and Amichai Erdfarb (supreme dictator). Two cheers the President's Circle, for both funding The Observer and for not funding The Commentator. A plethora of thanks to The Commentator for playing a paragon of professional prowess in its position at the pinnacle of power politics.

I would be wretchedly remiss if I refrained from recording my regards to the following people: Andrew Leibowitz, Moshe Abehsera, Yoni Abenaim, Lionel Abitbol, Isaac Abraham, Shlomo Abraham, Danie Abramoff, Rafael Abramov, Dina Adelsberg, Sarita Adelsberg, Yosef Adest, Chedva Adler, Michael Adler, Shira Adler, David Adler, Adler Adler, Adam Aftergut, Dvasha Allen, Jack Almo, Alex Altberg, Daniel Altmark, Eric Andron, Zohar Azolay, Ely Bacon, David Baghdadi, Eli Ballas, Donny Balsam, Moshe Baron, Aryeh Baronofsky, David Beim, Jenny Benn, Ezra Berenholz, Etan Berman, Yonah Berman, Noach Bernstein, Ronald Bernstein, David Betesh, Dani Bieler, Avi Billet, Avi Bindell, Deena Blanchard, Bethany Bleier, Tamar Block, Avi Bloom, Mordechai Bloomberg, David Blum, Mendy Boehm, Daniel Borsuk, Avi Bossewitch, Steven Botnick, Miriam Bram, Reuven Brand, Dov Brandstatter, Aura Brandwein, Ben Breda, Shira Bregman, Aryah Brickner, Fran Broth, Ezi Burns, Mikey Butler, Shamir Caplan, Yehuda Charm, Jeremy Chernikoff, Adam Cohen, Avi Cohen, Donny Cohen, Jeremy Cohen, Meir Cohen, Ouri Cohen, Susie Cohen, Tani Cohen, Yossi Cohn, Elliot Dabah, Rebeka David, Boris Davidson, Hoorbod Delshafar, Eric Distenfeld, Jonathan Donath, Craig Eagle, Franky Ehrenberg, Rachel Elbaum, Ronen Elefent, Eli Elias, Avi Elishis, Ari Ellenberg, Aaron Engel, Saul Epstein, Daniel Erber, Donni Faleck, Ezra Fass, David Feinberg, Daniel Feiner, Jeremy Feinerman, Ben Feintuch, Dov Feldman, Rya Ferster, Joe Feuerstein, Nassi Figdor, Adam Fink, Esther Finkle, Judah Fish, David Fishman, Donna Flatt, Yishai Fleisher, Baruch Frankel, Ezra Frazer, Avidan Freidman, Aron Fried, Steven Fried, Shlomie Friedman, Avi Frisch, Ari Fuchs, Simcha Fuld, Richard Gans, Romy Gardenswartz, Gennady Gelman, Shai Gerson, Shuli Gertel, Avi Gitler, Brian Glass, Kim Glassman, Ruben Gober, Aaron Gold, Judah Goldberg, Yosef Goldman, Adam Goller, Shira Graber, Ari Green, Noam Greenberg, Ari Gross, Ben Grossman, David Helfgott, Sruli Hercman, Yosef Hershkop, Jamie Hirsch, Mordecai Holtz, Judy Horn, Ron Israel, Avery Joel, Wes Kalmar, Aryeh Kaplan, Alex Katz, Meir Katz, Ari Kellman, Bryan Kinzbrunner, Shimon Klayman, Sipai Klein, Daniel Klinger, Yossi Knoll, Moshe Kolat, Aaron Koller, Fred Kreizman, Lauren Krieger, Dara Kushner, David Landerer, Avi Langer, Aviva Laufer, Deedee Lax, Aaron Leff, Dan Lepor, Ezra Levine, Dorian Levy, Yaakov Lipshitz,Ellie London, Amanda Mack, Mark Mann, Netanel Marmon, etc etc etc…….ad nauseum.

Greatest Gratitude to Horav Norman Lamm, Shlit"a, along with Sheldon Socol, Jeffery Rosengarten, Morton Lowengrub, Deans Adler, Jesionowski, Jaskol and Neirenberg, The Commentator and of course, Richard Seiger. A shout out to the entire faculty of RIETS, specifically citing Rav Schachter, Rav Blau, Rav Bronstein, Rav Neuberger, Rav Sacks, Rav Willig, Rav Reichman, Rav Twersky, Rav Charlap, Rav Ben-Haim, and Toyota Rav4. The above paragons of personal piety propel their pupils to pristine prominence with their prolific prayers, as well as with a panoply of perpetual professions of passion for perfection and purity.

Last but not least, love to my fabulous fiancee Rachel, for faithfully following the fourteen first phonemes of each sentence in my last column, and finding the furtive phrases fostered therein. Once again, I am Mell. Purim Sameach.

IDENTITY CRISIS