The Confiscator
Purim 5760

Streaming Commie Unconsciousness, Again

Who are all these people? New game show: Who wants to marry a Stern Girl? Who wrote that Gemara? Will EphShap and Dudi finish the website in time for megillah? Didn't Sandler graduate? We don't have any alcohol in here at all on the final Purim issue layout night? Oh ok, tomorrow is a fast. What's with all those beer bottles on the windows sill? Got K.D.? Hi fish. Don Fred Kreizmanioli. What are we ever going to do with Flishai's Golden Flow. Subject matter is a big problem here. There is no one left to make fun of. Is the Danciger quadrangle still the only battlefield in Washington Heights? What about the overused pool? Rabbi Lamm's top priority is new undergraduate housing. Honestly, he told me so, three years ago. How's the new Theater downtown? What about the Opus Dei Catholic Cemetery? Now that was a colossal blunder. We stand by our convictions. Who is Mell? Where are Dean Shmidman's marbles? Does Dean J have any time for this? News Flash: South Park Minyan replaced by Russian International Minyan, the best in town. Bleich and the boyz. Hey OPCS how about us non-accounting majors? Graduate School advisement? Now you're asking for too much. TOY & SAC present a Rosh Chodesh mixer, aka Coed Naked shiur. Ooo, we said a bad word. Polsky is back, Hamevaser in trouble. Will somebody please wash the Tannenbaum, uh I mean the "main" building? Clean the street, close the street, get off the street. Can you spare a little tzedaka? Were you at chick night at the seforim sale? Cubic Zirconium. Mazal Tov Aton and Rachel. When is Gus gonna get a haircut? Why does Aaron get haircuts every day? Observer recieves thirty thousand from president's circle and they go ahead and blow it on t-shirts and pens. What about the Observer stock options? They should all get jobs for Sesame Street magazine. While were on the subject, who stole all the Swimsuit issues from the morg mail room? I want my 3-d glasses! Death to the bible journal. Coed plays at the farts festival, who needs it. Its time to get things started on this muppet show. I think a replay of the "Commentator" dorm talks can beat out March madness. Brontosaurus night in the caf. Miriam and Rachel. MUWAUHAHAHAHAHA! Out top story: YU shoots self in the foot. Again. Mazal Tov! Professors' offices in Furst Hall wired for Ethernet. Welcome to the nineties! Too bad we're in the zeros. Morg is infested with roaches and no one really gives a bleep. Muss is a rat breeding hall. So why does Adler work in Furst? We wont even talk about Rubin. And the chicks say they're second class citizens. Two words: Macy's. Have you ever woken up at 4am, looked in the mirror and thought of alligators? Lamm does it all the time. Deli Kasbah sold to the lowest bidder. So this is Y2K. When will the madness end? Should I send my kids to YU?

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