The Confiscator -- Purim 5760 -- The Toilet Paper

The Confiscator
Purim 5760

3 dumb letters. read them and cry!
To the self-proclaimed rulers of the universe:

We are on to you. We put out, a great paper and now everyone is out to get us. Why do you people always look at us funny? We know you're plotting something and when we figure out what it is, you're all going to be sorry. We're going to tell Rabbi Lamm on you.

It's not fair that you were put in the New York Times and we weren't. Will somebody please give us some attention? We both hear voices and see little bloody monsters hanging from our doorposts.

Stop staring at us already!

Miriam and Rachel

To the Editors:

I couldn't help but notice that you featured a relatively clean article on Woodstock 99. What kind of reporting is that? Either present the realities of a situation or don't publish at all. I mean, do you actually expect us to believe that all you people did was interview singers and walk around a parking lot? I want to hear everything in its intricate, pornographic detail. With two hundred thousand college students present, you must have seen or participated in something interesting. But then again, you are Yeshiva Boys.

So, editors, I implore you to write another article on the event, only this time tell it like it is.

Sincerely yours,

Shalom Carmy

To the Editor:

We would like to write an open letter to all students: We read with interest every page of The Commentator. Your concerns certainly reach our ears. Please don't think we cold heartedly ignore student gripes and complaints.

But why are you guys so lazy? This institution is here for you, yet you just sit around and mope. Why can't you morons figure out how to register for classes? We shouldn't need to simplify the process because you're all blithering idiots. You want us to close Amsterdam Avenue? Can't you learn to cross the street on your own? Look both ways, damn it!

Look, we don't care about you, but we're here to help in any way possible. So stop wasting your parents money.

Sincerely yours,

The Administration.

IDENTITY CRISIS