Commentator Acquires Observer

Further distinguishing itself as the premier Yeshiva student fornication, The Commentator has recently acquired the official Shiduch-begging tabloid of the College for Stern Girls, The ObserveHer. The hostile take over, which will only prove to dilute the masterful journalism found in the superior Commentator will place the mens paper permanently on top of the girls paper. The Commentator's missionary outlook will alleviate some pressures and concerns of Stern Girls who could no longer bear to read the heinous piece of newsrag trash, known as the ObservHer.

Asbestos Removed From Muss Hall
Building Collapses

The Asbestos removal in the Main Building, the edifice built on the aged and outdated philosophy of Torah U'madda, came down in a crashing heap. Apparently, the asbestos was what was holding the building together..

In a shocking news development, The Commentator has probed, probing that the recent confiscation of Yeshiva Commentators was the sole responsibility of the Burns Security guards themselves and not that of the administration. Our sources have learned that an insidious plot had made a wrong turn into a hellish inferno that might have sent the highest echelons of this University plunging right along with it.

A recent Confiscator probe has probed and learned that board members of The Commentator have been allegedly removing administrators from their respective campus locations. The administrators, who are the sole property of Yeshiva University and have been missing for months, were found this week in a restricted Facilities storage room on the "well below Sea" level of Belfer Hall, chained in leather to New York Times vending machines.

Dancinger Quadrangle to be Moved Downtown

For years considered the perennial uptown campus staple, the Dancinger Quadrangle is set to move downtown this spring. The quadrangle will become one of five new fixtures on the College for Stern Girls Midtown campus, a college devoted to the pampering of immature females.

Frantic Farewell For Friendly Female

Last week, a local resident was walking his dog along Amsterdam Avenue, when his stroll was interrupted by an encounter with a lonely female, a woman who has won over the hearts of many main campus students, particularly the residents of the Morgenstern Dormitory, who have been petting the woman and feeding her leftover table scraps for the past month.

COMMENTATOR CANCELS PURIM ISSUE
Lack of Subject Matter to Blame

In a sad but harsh decision late last week, the Editorial board of Yeshiva's feisty campus newspaper, the Commentator, decided that they had absolutely no choice but to cancel the world famous Purim Concurring edition. Citing lack of subject matter, Commie editor Gus Gussman explained that "we usually poke fun at the administration, however there doesn't seem to be any left." with his astute observation, co-editor Aaron Klein said, "Maybe we should make the entire edition about us?" And so that's what they did.

Rabbi Arrested For Urinating On Campus

An MYP Rosh Yeshiva, whose name is being withheld because his family used the Jewish mafia to threaten our lives, was caught urinating on Yeshiva property this week by security. The Rabbi was dancing under the influence at the Purim chagigah when he realized that he was about lose control of his bladder. He then ran outside where he peed unsparingly on the Dancinger Quadrangle just as a New York Police Officer was driving by.

In a string of completely unrelated incidents, every undergraduate dean in Yeshiva University resigned this morning. The mass exodus is characteristic of the resignations that have blessed the university this year. The resignations will eliminate all of the red tape that has plagued administrative decisions in the past and will also free up much needed space in the Main Building as well as in Furst and Belfer Hells.

After coming to the realization that Judaism is all a hoax and that people only register for his shuir because they don't need to show up, Rabbi Dr. Moshe Tendler (now known as Cardinal John McKinny) quit his post as Head of the Biology and Ethics Department at Yeshiva University, instead choosing to hit the road as a Christian Missionary and door-to-door Bible Salesman. After an extended search for a new Professor that lasted three minutes, the University has hired controversial Princeton ethicist and child-hating Australian with a chemical imbalance, Dr. Peter Singer to head the Department.

Yeshiva Surges to Second on US News & World Report Survey

For the fourth year in a row, Yeshiva University appeared in the first tier of US News and World Report's ranking of the top national universities in the United States. Continuing its frustratingly slow but steady rise, Yeshiva got a boost and climaxed just short of the top ranking. Ranked just behind Bob Jones University, Yeshiva placed ahead of Harvard, Yale, and Touro College, taking the number two spot nationally.

---

All content is copyright © Yeshiva University Commentator.
Please see our Purim disclaimer.

---

IDENTITY CRISIS