The Confiscator
Purim 5760

Commentator Acquires Observer

by Commie Sutra

Further distinguishing itself as the premier Yeshiva student fornication, The Commentator has recently acquired the official Shiduch-begging tabloid of the College for Stern Girls, The ObserveHer. The hostile take over, which will only prove to dilute the masterful journalism found in the superior Commentator will place the mens paper permanently on top of the girls paper. The Commentator's missionary outlook will alleviate some pressures and concerns of Stern Girls who could no longer bear to read the heinous piece of newsrag trash, known as the ObservHer.

The ObserveHer which has only published one quality issue in the past, was officially disbanded in favor of several quality empty pages to be published at least once every month or two.

Current ObserveHer editors Miriam Elcrass and Rachel Salmon-Holster, who are now officially without any worldly purpose other than to cater to each other's needs, were pleased but not satisfied to be acquired by their favorite Yeshiva publication. "We have always loved the Commentator. We try to emulate them constantly," stated Elcrass. "When they modernized their layout, we did it. When they got on the web, we did it too. When they updated their website, we did it yet again and it was wonderful. We have been trying to be the Commentator since the beginning." Salmon-Holster added, "If you can't beat them, join them, or is that marry them? Like whatever."

Commentator Editors, Aaron Klein and Alex Traiman are pleased with the acquisition. Traiman stated, "This merger clearly, truly and definitely solidifies the Commentator as the number one, top, best, superior, premier publication produced and confiscated on the uptown male campus." He continued, "And quite frankly, much of that ObserveHer was just painful to read. I have enough problems already without being forced to see such crap."

Klein said of his co-editor's statements, "I agree. Plus it's about time I owned Rachel Soloman." Yeshiva's Public Relations Department refused to comment on this and every other Commentator contrived issue, and Yeshiva Today will be printed as usual.

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