The Confiscator
Purim 5760

Asbestos Removed From Muss Hall Building Collapses

By Deegan View

The Asbestos removal in the Main Building, the edifice built on the aged and outdated philosophy of Torah U'madda, came down in a crashing heap. Apparently, the asbestos was what was holding the building together..

In a showing of solidarity and brotherhood with their neighbors, the local Dominicans raided and looted whatever they could find from the crumbled building. Reportedly, facilities management had already stolen all valuables from the students dorm rooms prior to the buildings collapse. Reciprocating the gesture made by Yeshiva only a year ago after their hurricane, the locals in South America stole food and supplies from their students at their local university and claimed to have sent it up to Washington Heights.

The rubble of the once majestic building spilled onto Amsterdam avenue blocking off the thoroughfare. As friendly family San Jaun car service drivers attempted to drive straight through the rubble, they swore and honked damning the students for blocking the street from their Washington Heights Derby.

Facilities Management Man, Jefferny Smocol said, "uughh uhfuhfuhasd woijdodihfjfu uifgfh." Roughly translated, the horizontally challenged administrator said, "I thought all the extra coats of paint would keep the building together. My illogical deduction leads me to assume that it didn't."

Weeks after the building's collapse, YCSC's alleged board posted two and one half signs in the Morg lobby that proclaimed the closure of Amsterdam Avenue. "We pressed the administration and we really rigged something good for the students," insisted chronically-depressed Vice Temper of YCSC Dov Brandstatter. "It's at times like this I wish I had some Dougies or at least a gender free bowling ball," moped alleged book cooker Aryeh Goldberg. Chaim Schneider, the moral intern of YCSC, professed, "I got to get out from under this desk."

The first responders on the scene were the local core of Hatzola volunteers. Forty two responders were on the scene within minutes. One claimed that quick response time, Hatzolah's trademark, was responsible for the immediate response. Another asserted that it was the tiki being served across the street at grandma's that had all of the members clamoring.

Reportedly, one high level administrator asserted that he conceived that it was possible that Sheldon Socol could have on some off chance perhaps arranged the asbestos removal to fulfill his sick fantasy of destroying both the Yeshiva and the highschool. The administrator may have said, "I don't think he did it, cause I don't think he really is real." Sheldon as always was unavailable to comment. His secretary who does not carry as much weight within the university as her boss or as her counterpart. Joyce said, "Mell is so Mell Mell. You know what? I Don't have time for this."

IDENTITY CRISIS