The Confiscator
Purim 5760

**Burns Security Guards Confiscated Commentators, Use as Rolling Paper**

by The Pope

In a shocking news development, The Commentator has probed, probing that the recent confiscation of Yeshiva Commentators was the sole responsibility of the Burns Security guards themselves and not that of the administration. Our sources have learned that an insidious plot had made a wrong turn into a hellish inferno that might have sent the highest echelons of this University plunging right along with it.

After a few hard weeks of make-shift surveillance and with a group of dedicated students, the Commentator has learned that the Burns team has been stealing Commentators for the sole purpose of - yes, you guessed it - rolling massive joints. We were not surprised to know that our newspaper was perfect for rolling long sumptuous joints, but we were taken aback by the audacity of the guards who swore to love and protect us with all their heart and with all their soul. The plot thickened and erected when our sources divulged that these joints were actually prepared by the guards in order to blow the smoke at administrators who passed them by. They believed that by doing this they would help the sensually-repressed administrators give them a raise.

Our source who would only give his first name, Cheech, told us: "ye, iz like, you know, dey need to smoke cause they aint' no gettin none, and they's need it bad, man." Another even higher official within the Burns team, Chong, has told us that the Commentators were choice papers for smoking. He said it was due to their slow burn and had a flavor that reminded him of his brand back home.

Administrators were shocked when we confronted them and one had this to say: "I'm shocked, taken aback, and flatulent, I am impressed that Burns had such foresight and ability to take charge. In fact I never thought they could do anything at all." Cheech and Chong both verified that many a dark night have been spent sifening, stealing and rolling Commentators into a subtle blend of hash, Afgani, Northen Lights, Purple Haze, Chronics, Opium, and donkey dung. A more eloquent Burns man told us of one of those nights and described it as wild and tawdry. That night guards converged around a bonfire and paid homage to the sun god and then to Sammy Sosa. Then they smoked our precious Commentators like so many rolls of toilet paper.

IDENTITY CRISIS