The Confiscator
Purim 5760

Commentator Confiscates Administrators From Campus Locations

by Karen Arenson

A recent Confiscator probe has probed and learned that board members of The Commentator have been allegedly removing administrators from their respective campus locations. The administrators, who are the sole property of Yeshiva University and have been missing for months, were found this week in a restricted Facilities storage room on the "well below Sea" level of Belfer Hall, chained in leather to New York Times vending machines.

Sheldon "Augusto Pinochet" Socol, Vice President of Avoiding-CIA Affairs, said, "I was in my office eating potato chips with that yummy white dip when one of them burst into my chambers and took my potato chips. I followed him all the way down to the Sea level of Belfer Hell where he tied me up and ate all my potato chips, at which point I summoned my son on his cell phone and demanded that he bring me some more potato chips at once."

'Rabbi' Norman Sham, Well-Preserved Resident of Yeshiva, was shocked by the confiscation and plans to discuss the issue at the next Norm Talks. However he has vowed that he would not really research the topic or discuss it very much, but that he would take many cheap-shots at any and all student leaders in attendance. Sham also asserted that if anyone would dare ask a pointed question he would play the role of the victim and allow the Yeshiva students to yell at student leaders because they were hutzpadik

According to Goddess of Judaic Studies Shirley Auslander (a.k.a. "Big Daddy"), "I was talking it up with my boys and the next thing I know Rabbi Schmidman was gone. I thought he was just looking for his marbles, but he never came back." One student who was asked how Schmidman's disappearance would affect his life, replied, "I just hope I don't trip on his marbles."

Ms. Gladys Chernin, Champion Thoroughbred to the Centenarian President, said, "'Rabbi' Sham's disappearance will have no effect on the Jewish community whatsoever and will not hamper Yeshiva's charge to produce great community laymen. Now get out of this office and don't ever come back, this is not an institution for students."

The Commentator soon announced they would turn Normy's office into a Torah Technology Center, but decided instead to use the space for faculty offices. One anonymous high ranking University official was rumored to have possibly mentioned that he was thinking maybe to imply that something he said might be true, but refused to disclose what it was.

Although Dean Fallman was a victim in the confiscations, he refused to return to his office, choosing rather to resign than to face administrative colleagues for another day. In the end, the administrators were eventually returned to their posts and compensated $1,850.00 for missing potato chips and white dip.

IDENTITY CRISIS