The Confiscator
Purim 5760

Dancinger Quadrangle to be Moved Downtown

by Ty D. Bowl

For years considered the perennial uptown campus staple, the Dancinger Quadrangle is set to move downtown this spring. The quadrangle will become one of five new fixtures on the College for Stern Girls Midtown campus, a college devoted to the pampering of immature females.

The quadrangle, which currently occupies space in front of the Gottesman Pool and lies adjacent to Rubin Hall will remain in uptown operation only until enough money is stolen to complete the IHP expansion of green marine style tents and cots that will permanently solve Yeshiva's housing problem. The quad will then be transported to its new midtown location. There, it will double as a useless parking lot and a grazing area for Stern Girls who need a place go after the hallowed halls of Macy's are closed to all farm animals.

The advantages of a new location represent the prime motivation behind the move: "Uptown we don't get the type of livestock we should. We get guys playing football and people cutting across the quad using it as a shortcut, but few individuals will actually stop and appreciate the quadrangle for the spaciousness of the grazing area and the healthful entree it can provide," explained Jeff Socol, University Director of Geometric Shapes. It is the walk-in crowd of heavy set Stern Girls that he believes will transform the quadrangle from the muddy field it is now to a delectable dish, vibrant and thriving.

The quadrangle has already become an integral player in the educational system as it currently serves to teach Sy Syms students how to cut corners. In the past the quad taught property rights and demarcation lines as its existence provides a sound example of green land preservation in the big city. Many of these lessons will remain in operation at the quad's new location, but it will now be extended to a much larger student body.

In addition to increasing the quads reach, administrators hope the move will serve another function. The new location will enable the establishment of a program where food majors in the College for Stern Girls would be afforded the opportunity of interning on the facility, gaining invaluable hands-on experience in the everyday operation of an animal feeding ground.

Regarding plans for the vacated space, the current idea is to burry some of the skeletons from the collective university closet in the space and to construct a real, thriving, beautiful university campus on the forty yards in front of the MSACK. Such prospects were received well by students, who for the most part seemed relatively sad to see the quad leave. "While I'll miss the heavy petting and the almost surreal tinge that the quad added to our uptown campus," explained one YC junior, "the move seems to be in everyone's best interests. They are short on grazing space in midtown."

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