The Confiscator
Purim 5760

Frantic Farewell For Friendly Female

by Oliver Clozoff

Last week, a local resident was walking his dog along Amsterdam Avenue, when his stroll was interrupted by an encounter with a lonely female, a woman who has won over the hearts of many main campus students, particularly the residents of the Morgenstern Dormitory, who have been petting the woman and feeding her leftover table scraps for the past month.

When the Washington Heights native and his 'best friend' passed by the female, a scuffle ensued between the dog and the woman, two not quite domesticated beings. The dog's owner promptly decided to intervene and break up the exchange. He soon discovered exactly how difficult taking on the hometown female could be. The dog's owner was badly bruised on both legs and managed to be scratched up and down his body, but was fortunate to escape with what most consider minor diseases.

A few days later, University Security contacted the local police department, and within hours the unsuspecting female was taken from her home in the grassy knoll of the Dancinger Quadrangle, and brought to a local shelter. Don Summers, Yeshiva University Chief of Security, oversaw the operation, ensuring that there would remain no threat of harm to any Yeshiva students or Washington Heights residents from the Sharfman's Reject.

IDENTITY CRISIS