The Confiscator
Purim 5760

COMMENTATOR CANCELS PURIM ISSUE

Lack of Subject Matter to Blame

by April Simon

In a sad but harsh decision late last week, the Editorial board of Yeshiva's feisty campus newspaper, the Commentator, decided that they had absolutely no choice but to cancel the world famous Purim edition. Citing lack of subject matter, Commie editor Gus Gussman explained that "we usually poke fun at the administration, however there doesn't seem to be any left." Concurring with his astute observation, co-editor Aaron Klein said, "Maybe we should make the entire edition about us?" And so that's what they did.

"I am Mell ," said Ben Mantell, self-proclaimed spokesman for the conspicuously absent YCSC leader, Jon Smell. Mantell had originally pledged to help provide the Commentator with pertinent subjects to ruthlessly mock, but he soon realized that he didn't need to do anything at all.

When asked why he fired 99% of the YU administration, 'Rabbi' Norman Lamm, President of Centenarianism, explained that "I dare anybody to wake up at four o'clock in the morning, look at themselves in the mirror and not think about alligators." When asked to elaborate on what exactly he was talking about, Lamm said, "Look, out there, it's Ceil Levinson riding a giant eagle," and then dashed furiously for the door.

The Commentator then proceeded to get exceedingly inebriated while playing with semiautomatic weapons. "Maybe we can just make up administrators as we go along?" Offered Traiman, before downing some wild mushrooms from the cafeteria. "Let's just work with what little we have," suggested Klein before realizing that the only choice was to cancel the edition.

And so the Purim edition, for the first time in sixty-five years, was officially canceled and replaced by a newspaper entitled "The Confiscator" written solely by Jeffrey Rosengarten in an attempt to flaunt his pathological lying, delusions of grandeur and hideous mustache to the literary world.

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