The Confiscator
Purim 5760

Every Yeshiva Administrator Resigns

by Ben Dover

In a string of completely unrelated incidents, every undergraduate dean in Yeshiva University resigned this morning. The mass exodus is characteristic of the resignations that have blessed the university this year. The resignations will eliminate all of the red tape that has plagued administrative decisions in the past and will also free up much needed space in the Main Building as well as in Furst and Belfer Hells.

The Yeshiva College Deans office was completely liquidated with Deans Adler and Joyce both leaving to undisclosed locations. Reportedly, they first had to remove the permanent locks that they had placed on their doors to keep students out. It has become clear that Dean Adler will resume his study and research of rodents behaving badly. "My last experiment went incredibly awry and I think I need to spend more time researching."

Dean Joyce grabbed her darling Phoebe Rocks as she darted past a crowd of MYP students. "I simply don't have time for this anymore," said Joyce, even though we didn't ask her to comment.

Dean Joyce's darling Phoebe Rocks will return to the silver screen in the role of a lifetime as "Xena Warrior Prince the Movie." Mattel has already bought the licence to market and promote the new Xena action figures. They will come with fifteen different hairstyles and they are reportedly the tallest action figures to date.

The Yeshiva College Deans office will continue to operate unhampered by the resignations. The work-study system that was set in place over the past two years will ensure that all functions of the office will continue to run at the same painstakingly slow and decrepit rate that they have in recent times. Dr. Noda Click's job description will expand once again and she will now be the overseer of the work study gang as they bilk the deans office of hardware and office supplies on a daily basis while collecting minimum wage checks for their inactivity.

Shirly Slander secretary of JSS, IBC and BMP told the Confiscated that Deans Schmidman and Rapp also resigned earlier today. Slander said she was unaware of Rapp's whereabouts but that "if you looked for the dopey guy with the only velvet yarmulka in IBC you might be able to find him." Slander said that Schmidman threw up his arms at around 9:10 AM and said that he was going on a permanent search and that he would not return to his office until he was able to locate his marbles.

Dean Neirenberg had already announced his resignation and said that his departure form Belfer Hell this morning was merely to his midmorning nap so that he would not be cranky later on. Ira Jashole also resigned this morning, causing OPCS to announce that they have taken an incredible loss and Jannery Lara will immediately spam the ymail server to search for his replacement.

The most shocking of all the resignations this morning was that of Rabbis Harloop and Brainstoned. Reportedly the two where sick and tired of working for Yeshiva. Many factors contributed to their departure. One reason was the recent decision to break the gemara cycle and learn Bava Commie next year instead of a moed.

Sources have leaked to the Confiscated that Rabbi Harloop was in fact fired and did not resign. The reason behind the underhanded termination was that he did not heed 'Rabbi' Shamm's order to revoke Rabbi Cohen's Semikha when MTA threw him out for protesting the absurd decision the president made to shut down the highschool. "Had he just renounced Cohen's contribution to Judaism and proclaimed Shamm as the omnipresent ruler over all, Harloop would have been fine," explained one strategically placed blabber mouth.

Dispelling these rumors Harloop said "The Beit Medrash is too small, the perfume on my secretary is gonna kill me, and Aton Holster has done more for the Yeshiva in the past year than any of the Roshei Yeshiva have ever done. And besides, Bernice Lander is paying me twice what I am making now." Reportedly, Lander will allow Harloop to pursue his dream of launching a torah satellite into space. Brainstoned, already in space, will wait patiently for the arrival of the satellite.

The resignations are all merely coincidental and are not part of any plot to rid the university of administrators. One of the few remaining high, leveled administrators explained, "If there were such a plot, don't you think Shamm and Socol would be the first to go?" The office of the Academic Vice President will initiate search committees for all of the open positions and will hire Dan Forman to place really well designed and thought out advertisements for the jobs.

IDENTITY CRISIS