The Confiscator
Purim 5760

Rabbi Tendler Quits, Dr. Peter Singer to Head Department of Ethics

by Dr. Jack Kevorkian

After coming to the realization that Judaism is all a hoax and that people only register for his shuir because they don't need to show up, Rabbi Dr. Moshe Tendler (now known as Cardinal John McKinny) quit his post as Head of the Biology and Ethics Department at Yeshiva University, instead choosing to hit the road as a Christian Missionary and door-to-door Bible Salesman. After an extended search for a new Professor that lasted three minutes, the University has hired controversial Princeton ethicist and child-hating Australian with a chemical imbalance, Dr. Peter Singer to head the Department. [RMDT]

In the tradition of all RIETS heads, Singer will now take on the title of Rabbi Dr. Peter Singer. Singer's first order of business was to murder all retarded Yeshiva students and administrators, (funeral services for one stupid facilities head will be held at an undisclosed location). The four remaining Sy Syms students immediately transferred to Yeshiva College. Singer has recently introduced several new courses into the required curriculum, including "Infanticide and You," "How To Perform Third Semester Abortions with a Hanger in Under Three Minutes," and "Why Chickens are Smarter than Rabbi Tendler."

'Rabbi' Dr. Norman Lamm, President of Yeshiva and one of Singer's most avid followers, said, "We are proud that Peter has joined our staff and murdered most of our students. It's about time a professor takes a stand against stupidity. I might not be Mell, but I am Mell." Lamm's "assistant," Gladys Chernin, added, "It's better to kill a Syms Student than a healthy horse."

Tendler, who was last seen playing guitar in Kansas City, was heard by a baby boomer to have said that Singer "is beyond the pale of Christianity. Jesus will strike him down like he smote the evil Hesrodites of Bethlehem."

To which Singer responded, "What a kook! I just want to kill senseless babies and Syms guys. I challenge anyone to debate me on the issues. It's not like Yeshiva hasn't had the policy in the past, I am just willing to put my knife where your throat is."

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