The Confiscator
Purim 5760

Yeshiva Surges to Second on US News & World Report Survey

by David Rosen

For the fourth year in a row, Yeshiva University appeared in the first tier of US News and World Report's ranking of the top national universities in the United States. Continuing its frustratingly slow but steady rise, Yeshiva got a boost and climaxed just short of the top ranking. Ranked just behind Bob Jones University, Yeshiva placed ahead of Harvard, Yale, and Touro College, taking the number two spot nationally.

Factors affecting Yeshiva's quasi-miraculous ranking include campus size and beauty, diversity of student body, and the ability for students to speak freely on any subject they choose. Reportedly, bribery may also have played a role in Yeshiva's good fortune.

"We are pleased that US News has again rated Yeshiva University as a top tier university," said Yeshiva President and Rosh HaYeshiva 'Rabbi' Dr. Norman Lamm of the new rankings. "We have an outstanding underpaid faculty and a plethora fired administrators. They work harder than myself, which is reflected in this continuing recognition of the excellence of our fiscal programs. Furthermore, I dare anyone to wake up at four in the morning, look in the mirror and not think about alligators."

"Let's see how long we can mange to keep it up. Those boys have been working harder and harder than ever." said Stormin' Norman Adler, Dean of Yeshiva College, referring to the ranking and not the rodent on his desk. Dean Joyce Jassiunnohwskeyi said "I simply don't have the time for this." At which point her darling Phoebe Rocks said, "I don't see why the boys can't stay on top and even though they're Yeshiva boys they should be able to keep this going for at least a little while."

Initially, the now headless Yeshiva Public Relations Department said nothing on the issue. However, after realizing that no harm could come from touting Yeshiva's good fortune, Media Relations Headless Shulman declared, "No comment." Leaks from within the media relations department have informed this now dirty probe that Shulman then proceeded to fax an unauthorized letter to the Jewish Week and the Forward. One after another anonymous administrators came forward with fears that the president's office would misuse the ranking for personal exploitations.

Word out of the president's office is that Yeshiva's aging and centenarian lay leader plans to hold a grudge against the newspaper for weeks until next month's norm talks when he will publically and blatantly chastise the Commentator Editors for leaking the story to YU Today.

Observer editors grossly jealous of the Commentator's newfound attention begged to be chastised as well. In response the girls were ignored by the president's office and every other body within the university with any semblance of relevance. Reportedly, the President's Square gave the Observer thirteen thousand dollars to make short sleeve t-shirts and to be good girls.

As far as individual colleges are concerned the Sy Syms School of Business failed to make the grade, reportedly because mesorah was not published in time and the library was closed motzei shabbos just before the test. The College for Stern Girls was ranked just behind the Opus Dei Catholic Seminary and under the Barnyard School for Smarter Stern Girls.

IDENTITY CRISIS