The Terrors of Guidance

I stood outside the door to the guidance office and trembled. I'd heard some nasty allegations concerning the academic advisement at YU, too many things from too many people to pass it off as mere whining from disgruntled students.

Maybe that's what it is, my mind tried to soothe me (a bit patronizingly, I thought). Maybe all the students at YU you've ever come into contact with are a bunch of smug ingrates who don't know good advice when they hear it.

It was possible. Accordingly to my philosophy professor, I might really be a blue alien on Mars just dreaming up this supposed existence, or a brain in a jar somewhere in Belfer Hall, with wires stimulating me to think that all this is real. When considered in these terms, all the students at YU being a bunch of smug ingrates who don't know good advice when they hear it was certainly a plausible possibility. With this in mind, I knocked on the door.

"Come in, if you dare," croaked a hideous, aged voice.

I've always been a reckless one, and took the thing up on its challenge. Stepping inside the office, I was met by a horrific sight. There were four desks in the room, and three of them were occupied. By the desk nearest me an old woman was seated, wrinkles and blisters covering every inch of her visible skin and a jungle of gray hair flying every which way. The desk was entirely empty, except for a small glass ball.

'Sit," she commanded. I sat. "I am Nolda," she proclaimed. "I am here to guide you in the path of wisdom."

"That's great," I replied, regaining my wits quickly (as I am wont to do), but I just need some quick help. See, I want to drop advanced genetic engineering and pick up seasonal sports, but that would leave me with only ten and a half credits. What should I do?"

"I shall now consult the powers of fortune. Please wait patiently," replied Nolda, whereupon she closed her eyes and began to hum. Her hands reached out seemingly blindly and grasped the glass ball in front of her. She rattled it, then replaced it on the desk. Little white flakes floated up from inside the ball, and slowly settled back to the bottom. After a few minutes, Nolda began making strange noises, not unlike snoring.

I disengaged myself from this setting and proceeded to another desk. A pensive-looking fellow awaited me, and I sat before him. He said nothing, just stared blankly at me.

"Hi, uh, I need some advice," I said.

"Why?" he responded slowly. "The world is coming to an end."

This was hardly what I wanted to hear. "What do you mean?" I asked.

"The world is coming to an end in the near future. We will all perish. Kaput."

"I see," I said, even though I really didn't. "In the meantime, but that would leave me with just ten and a half credits. What should I do?"

"It doesn't matter," he replied. "You're going to die anyway. We all will."

Nolda was still engaged with the powers of fortune, so I proceeded to desk #3. I recognized the occupant as one of the security guards.

"What do you think of this?" he asked, looking up at me. He held a sheet of paper, on which he had been writing until my interruption. He cleared his throat and began to read. "We, loyal employees of Yeshiva University, have served you through times good and bad. We've stood by you in your moments of difficulty, consoled your grief, felt joy at your success. We now turn to you in our time of need. You have always treated us well, but due to some misunderstanding or clerical error, our salaries are - "

"Wait, hold on," I said. "This will never work. You can't reason with these people; they'll suck you dry. What you guys need is to revolt. Show them you mean business. You need a slogan, too, some kind of song. Something like: What do we want? A contract! When do we want it? Now!"

That got him scribbling furiously, and I left him to it. I was the one who needed help, after all. I approached the fourth desk and sat down, feeling completely helpless. No one was even there.

"Who dares disturb my slumber?" moaned a voice from under the desk, and a terrifying creature leapt out. It grabbed me and then I woke up. I was sitting outside the guidance office, having evidently dozed off while awaiting my turn. There was no one else waiting, so I walked right in. A friendly, smiling man was sitting there. He greeted me warmly, offered me something to drink, and asked how he could help me muddle my way through college. We talked for about 15 minutes, and he helped me tremendously. At the end, we shook hands, he patted me on the back, and out I went.

It really was as I had suspected. The guidance was wonderful, and anyone who said otherwise didn't even deserve good advice.

I didn't notice the two little bite-marks on the side of my neck until the following morning.