Fact, Not Opinion

On a daily basis, outside MTV's studio on 1515 Broadway, there are dozens of kids screaming for Jesse Camp. Speculation in the entertainment industry has run rampant as to whether Jesse's unintelligible demeanor is nothing but a contrived sham by MTV to win the hearts of America's sub-par IQ teenagers. This reporter believes it is a sham, but not one that MTV has condoned.

Mr. Camp became an MTV VJ by winning the "so you wanna be a VJ" contest. The post-victory press conference featured curse words and inarticulate sentences. Mr. Camp's wardrobe was even more unlikely for this decade as he appeared on television not unlike a roadie for the rock group KISS. And what about the hair? Bearing a slight resemblance to Sid Vicious (in its flamboyance), MTV execs had all but put the finishing touches on their nefarious scheme to fire Jesse after two weeks. Unfortunately for them, hundreds of high school KORN fans began showing up in front of the MTV offices in Times Square in order to appear on Jesse's show LUNCHTIME WITH JESSE. The exec's had no choice but to keep him as ratings during the lunchtime hour more than tripled. So why do I think Jesse is great for MTV, despite the fact that he is a fake whose parents are both educators and his high school alma matter is an extremely well-respected private school in Connecticut?

I love him because he is them. Jesse Camp was raised on MTV. MTV taught him how to speak, what to like and what the "real world" should be like. His very presence is the ultimate revenge on a channel responsible for the stupidity of the majority of America's young people. Remember that the greatest qualm confronted by MTV's production staff prior to Mr. Camp's arrival was how low they could get Serena Altschul's neckline to go. Now confronted with the evil it has wrought, the question remains, what will MTV do about it? The answer: show more half-naked models playing volleyball on the beach 4 hours a day. Athletic complexes aside, let's talk about the issues. November elections will soon be upon us and that means MTV will begin to mobilize its 1998 "Rock the Vote" campaign. The prospect of another year of this is absolutely abysmal. From a marketing standpoint, what is MTV's audience of voting age? The answer is out-of-work sub-par buffoons who think that GNP stands for Gorgeous Naked People. Do we really need the opinion of people who think that Bob Dylan is Jakob Dylan's father? The answer is undoubtedly no. I don't need someone whose life was dramatically altered by the deep inner meaning of Marilyn Manson to vote.

Speaking of Marilyn Manson, why has he gone Glam? Instead of a proper horrific figure created for the singular purpose of becoming the thorn in the Christian Coalition's backside, we now have a fourth-rate Marc Bolan screaming to get his T-Rex kicks out.

And what about Hole? I'm so sick of the public allowing Kurt Cobain's ungrateful murdering slut widow her 15 minutes. Someone needs to slap her and say "You were never good and all you'll ever be is (expletive deleted)." Not only that but what kind of name is Hole? Why not name your band NOUN?

I digress. Please don't vote. It's your right as an American not to vote. As long as you pay taxes you can complain about our philandering president. By not voting you are taking a firm stance by stating "I have absolutely nothing to do with my pedophile president and the Republican Party's shameless enabling of the American public." If we all stop voting, no one will be elected and then we might be able to rethink this idea of democracy through once again. Maybe this time we won't be creating a country by escaping the religious persecutions of another country and subsequently not waste time instituting religious persecutions of our own.

Comments are welcome. If you found any part of this column offensive that means I've done my job and done it well. Feel free to write me care of this publication and I promise swift retaliation.

This month's musical recommendation is Nuggets, original artyfacts from the first psychedelic era 1965-1968. Containing such fabulous one-hit wonders as THE MOJO MEN, THE VAGRANTS, THE STANDELLS etc.. Nuggets is a fantastic box set compilation put out by those wacky guys at Rhino Records. A must for anyone searching for great psychedelic pop singles. Not only do you get 4 CD's of 20 plus songs, an extremely enlightening book is enclosed relating a time period when great pop music was written in the garage and everyone tried to sound like The Beatles instead of poor-ass Seattle pap. Any band that got fifteen minutes in this three-year period is here for consumption, with the possible exception of The Archies' "Sugar, Sugar."

P.S. I'll give anyone $5 if they can name the singer of that song by next issue.

Stay tuned for next column, which promises to be more inane than the last.

Ta-Ta.