Fact, Not Opinion

The answer to last issue's trivia question;

The singer on The Archies recording of Sugar, Sugar was dum ta dum ... Ron Dante. Congratulations and five dollars goes to bill smith from MTA. According to a recent MOJO Magazine article, he did it for the money. Mad props my man!

Soon the holidays will be upon us. Christmas trees will be erected and the Lubavitcher Chasidim will counter-attack with Menorahs. So much for separation between church and state. Either way, the one thing I know is that there are a few gifts I really don't want this year (besides the new Furby toy). So without further ado:

The Top 10 Things I Do Not Want You to Buy Me This Year

1. Spice Girls / Hanson Menorah. One light for each member of both groups. Set their hearts afire for eight crazy nights. Derive extreme pleasure by burning Scary Spice each night! This gift is a must have for any three year old girl. Order now and you too can receive the limited edition Backstreet Boys wax candles. Help them because they're melting.

2. John Lennon Soap-On-a-Rope. The amazing possibilities of washing yourself each night with a piece of soap resembling the composer of "Imagine." Yoko Ono brought this thoughtful gift to us in tribute to her late husband's name. The beauty of this product is based on its multi-purpose usage. Think about it - after the soap is gone you are left with an extremely durable piece of rope. How utilitarian.

3. Celine Dion Alarm Clock. No more oversleeping past Rabbi Gorelik's Classical Jewish History class with this handy piece of technology. Will it wake you up? It will wake your roommate and your next-door neighbor with its high pitched shrill; just short of being audible only to dogs.

4. Alice in Chains Live & Unplugged Rhythm Tracks. Now you can be just like Creed and The Days of the New and use the same drums and bass that Alice in Chains recorded for their MTV show. Nothing beats this original gift and it comes with a fifteen-minute guarantee. Order now and you may get the Hanson stopwatch. Comes with a fifteen-minute warranty.

5. My Three Minutes Serving A Jack & Coke to Monica Lewinsky. You too can now read the lovely tale of common stewardess Stacy Jordan and how she served a Jack & Coke to presidential playmate Monica Lewinsky. Only available in Hardback.

6. The John Lennon Answering Machine Tapes. The complete box sets of all of John Lennon's answering machine messages as brought to us by Mr. Lennon's thoughtful widow Yoko Ono. Thanks a lot. Imagine all the messages across the universe.

7. Spice Girls Automatic Soap Dispenser. Oops! You squeezed Baby Spice and now there's soap everywhere. Come clean with this product and I'm sure you won't be disappointed. Comes with a free packet of liquid ginger soap.

8. The Teletubbies Pearl Engraved Pencil Sharpener. Make school fun now and forever with four aliens with televisions for stomachs. Each time you stick a pencil in them they make their unique noises that apparently only two-year-olds and potheads understand. Personally, I just enjoy stabbing those little bastards over and over again. And we thought Barney was hell on earth.

9. My Three Minutes Serving A Jack & Coke to the President, The Memoirs of Ms. Lewinsky. By Linda Tripp. Oh just stop it already!

10. My Three Minutes Serving a Jack & Coke to John Lennon. By Yoko Ono. Now you're just being silly.

This issue's Trivia Question is ...

The Who made their American TV Debut on the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour in 1967. Tommy Smothers introduced Keith Moon as the guy who plays the _________ Drums. Please fill in the blank.

This month's musical recommendation is Revolver by The Beatles. If you haven't bought this record up until this point in your life, you don't deserve to live. The Lord Almighty is a Beatles Fan. Trust me!