Fact Not Opinion

I believe in the evil satanic lord of rock and roll while Madonna worships the Kabbalah (rejoice Lubavitch! definitely a sign of the Messiah) and Adam Yauch is a Buddhist. Crazier things have happened and I'm dying to know why Tupac Shakur seems to keep on releasing albums and movies even though he's dead. Whomever wanted him dead should have hooked him up with Courtney Love, but that's none of my business.

I'm happy I have no younger sisters because then I would know too much about boy groups who are quite handy when it comes to dancing with chairs while it rains in indoor studios. "He's pointing at me!!!!!" cried the 7 year old girl. Suddenly Hootie & the Blowfish sound amazing to me. I wonder why Phish didn't release a tour album called "Why don't all you suckers get over the fact that Jerry's Dead." I also wonder why someone felt the need to release a compilation of songs and called it "NOW." Have the record companies lost all hope? Is there no nostalgia whatsoever? Or have we just caught up with ourselves? I am waiting for some true genius to finally open a swing dancing, yoga, and smoothie hangout next to Barnard College. They could call it Swoga and then maybe the trend would finally be over.

If radio didn't exist then record companies wouldn't know who to bribe. Radio loves bands with the initials Limp Bizkit and Korn. Bands that play together stay together and unfortunately that's the case with Hanson. I wonder where I can buy a 10th Jimi Hendrix Greatest Hits package. John Lennon should turn over in his grave because Sean Lennon seems to write a hell of a lot more like his old woman. Lots of credit to Paul McCartney's kids who have enough sense to stay the hell out the music industry. How can Paul Simon watch his son with a straight face? How come I can't buy a toilet seat that John Lennon once sat on? I really laugh when I see those kids who walk around campus with phat pants, baseball hats sideways, various corporate logos and a gait that would make Eddie Murphy wet his pants. Don't ever change kids! I wonder how much Adidas would pay me if I started dressing like an idiot too?

Anyway, I'd like to announce that I am running for supreme evil dictator of Yeshiva University. My opposition is Jeffrey Socol and I hope you'll make the right decision. If you'd like to contribute to my campaign please do not send money care of this publication but send it to me at home. My address is 495 W. 186th Apartment 5x, NYC 10033.

Every semester certain things touch us in not so special places. Not all of them are Bill Clinton. Not all of them appreciate my brand of humour. Not all of them spell "humour" the way I do. I'd like to publicly state that any inflammatory remarks that were made in my letter (in defense of Levovitz) towards any actual people were not written by me, but by a certain little birdie whose initials are unknown to me. The only institution or person I meant to attack was the school and its amazing sense of what is right and wrong. Maybe it's the millennium thing but Judaism is starting to resemble Taoism in more ways than one.

I'm holding two contests. First, whoever appears to be the most religious and penitential by the end of the semester wins the opportunity to have charity given in his name by me to the first homeless person I see.

The second contest is for someone whose last name does not rhyme with Rosen to get my rock trivia question right: What other Beach Boys' song sounds a lot like "I know there's an Answer"? Here's the top 15 of 1998. Last month's answer was sloppy.

Artist / Compilation album Title--Record Label

1-Nuggets-Original Artyfacts-Rhino

2--Unknown Mystery 60's Group--self-titled--Distortion

3--Herschel Savage & the American Flag--self titled--Rockathon

4-Pulp-This Is Hardcore--Sire

5--The Creation--Biff Bang Pow--Retroactive

6--Gillian Welch--Hell Among The Yearlings--Almo

7--Belle & Sebastian--The Boy With The Arab Strap--Matador

8--Cornelius--Fantasma--Matador

9--Air--Moon Safari--Caroline

10--Lucinda Williams--Car Wheels On A Gravel Road--Mercury

11--Neutral Milk Hotel--In The Aeroplane Over The Sea--Merge

12--Mercury Rev--Deserter's Songs--Gee Street

13--Burger/Ink--Las Vegas--Matador

14--REM--Up--Warner

15--David Garza--This Euphoria--Lava/Atlantic