Meet Tamir Goodman II

Dear Am Yisroel,

Hi, I'm Tamir Goodman and I represent your Hellenistic values. Many of you know me from the intellectually challenging and religiously minded periodical Sports Illustrated, and from the has-been, washed-out, ex-basketball player turned voice of Jewish conscience Nahum Segal. I am writing to you to personally thank you for your idolatrous behavior and the blind support which you have shown for the phenomenon of moral assimilation which professional sports represents, and of which I am a product of.

Only one hundred years ago my career choice would have been considered a blot on the face of Judaism and my community would have been ashamed of me. Now, thanks to your unwavering support for the mindless endeavor of pro sports, which contributes little to the world except for the perpetuation of material and base values, I have become a star. Following this example kids won't have to spend arduous long hours in the beit midrash trying to master timeless texts. Instead they can practice those things which are truly important to the Jewish people.

You know, I'm a bit nervous to leave Yeshiva, go to Maryland, and embrace the culture that I will find there. I hope that within the confines of College Park, with its smelly locker rooms, crazed fans, and modest cheerleaders, that I shall find a chavrutah with whom to share the little time I will have available to learn Torah.

Its funny, though I have little time for the beit midrash these days, one pasuk still haunts me: "And in their traditions do not follow." (Leviticus,18:3). Rashi, the great Biblical commentator, could have mentioned any of the various cultural institutions of the non-Jews, yet he chose sporting stadiums as being representational of "their traditions". I thought it was ironic, but my coach told me not to worry about it and practice my lay-ups. So I did.

The best part of being at Mary-Land will be the TV coverage. Now the whole world will know what we Jews are all about. Yes, we will show them that we are just like them, other then some minor clothing differences and a stubborn propensity for laziness on Saturday; we are no different. That moral high ground upon which we have been perched will crumble and fall, and all that elitist talk of being a "light unto the nations" will dissipate.

Sometimes I see sports as a unifying force in Judaism. In a time of fractionalization and constant in-house bickering amongst ourselves, sports represents the last vestige of hope. Only under the lowest and stupidest common denominator of pro sports shall we unite. Instead of fighting about what should be done in Israel or worrying about the relationships between our various religious denominations, all of us Jews should unite in holy Madison Square Garden and enjoy some of Nature's own frost-brewed Budweiser. With athletes at the helm of religious Jewry in the place of those backwards stuffy rabbis we shall survive. Amen.

Frankly though, I'm not the hero, I'm just a simple Jew who's making a living from a not-so-honorable occupation. The real heroes are you who follow and support pro-sports. I am only a byproduct of your incessant preoccupation with stats, athletes, and emphasis on worldly success. It is your selective morality which sees nothing wrong with this vanity of vanities that is to be praised. It is your intellectual dishonesty regarding pro sports that has lead the way. I have heard that in the dorms of your university ESPN is the most watched channel on television, and for that I applaud you. It is so wonderful to see that we Jews have finally embraced this lifestyle after so many years of fighting it. The Greeks would have been proud.

Look, in the final analysis its all about image. Like the pig who stuck out his split hooves and said "look I'm kosher" but in reality was treif, so to is professional sports, seemingly within the confines of Jewish Orthodoxy but essentially an act of assimilation. I therefore thank your for gullible belief that kippah and tzitzit belong on the court, and for accepting pro sports as a viable outlet for your time and money. With Jewish society endorsing pro sports I will continue to be sign of assimilation and degeneration of values. Till the next game, keep wasting precious time and money, and may Jordan bless you.

Love,

Tamir Goodman