"My top priority is a new dormitory on the uptown campus."

Rabbi Lamm said this while speaking to a group of student leaders in his living room in 1998. In the three years since then, Yeshiva has undertaken many expensive projects. The University has purchased and renovated a number of buildings in pricey Midtown, renovated its downtown Cardozo location, lavished more than two hundred and fifty million dollars on the new center for genetic and translational medicine at Einstein.

Well Sheldon, can you spare some change for us undergraduates? All we need is a mere five to seven million dollars and we can have a new dormitory. If you double that amount, we not only have a place to live, but our professors might also have adequate facilities where they can do substantial research, which in turn can lead to more money and prestige for Yeshiva. You see, Dr. Socol, the administration currently stuffs students unwillingly into apartments, and is cramming real PhD's into rooms that are smaller than your secretary's office space. Relatively speaking, I think the professors have a legitimate gripe, but hey, they're not getting paid this month so who can complain about office space.

On second thought, Sheldon, you're right. Why should the professors be treated any different than the students? I mean for five years now, the dormitories have been at capacity while enrollment continues to climb. There is still no new dormitory, however. Sheldon, this may come as a surprise, but it costs money to build a dorm. It is true, I am afraid that in order to accommodate its paying customers, Yeshiva might have to invest some capital, but I guarantee, the return will be immeasurable. You see, the happier students are when they are here, the more willing they are to give money later on. It is a simple business concept and I think they teach it a few floors down from your office.

Wait. I have a better idea, since enrollment keeps going up, why don't you raise tuition again until we profit enough money in one year to afford to build two new buildings. Oh, my mistake, we already profited more than one hundred million dollars a few years ago. I guess that idea is out.

Well, being fresh out of ideas, I turn the question over to you. Dean Himber and Dr. Nissel both say they want a new dorm, but neither knows of any plans for one. Your son Jeff and his staff are going to spend the fall cleaning out the upper secret floors of Belfer Hall, which have not been used for classrooms since they were labs before the financial crisis, so we know that class space is at a premium. Furthermore, when I asked Jeff Rosengarten about new buildings last year he asked me if I knew a donor who would pay for such acquisitions. Well, not knowing anyone off the top of my head that was in charge of a vast fortune valued over a billion dollars with semi-liquid funds of over seven hundred million dollars I turned away in despair.

So, now I turn to you. Now, I know I am a student and that my kind generally does not speak with you, but rumor has it that you are in charge of the university's money. I figure it is only fair that I approach you and ask about the new buildings that are needed on this campus. Hey, while I am asking about money allocations, let me shoot this one by you: why is tuition on a perpetual rise?

A student interview for a story in this issue pointed something out to me. A number of administrators told me that the increase in tuition was due to the installation of Ethernet in the dorms. Now, I know we already established that as being a lie in last issue, but lets play along. If I pay extra tuition for my Ethernet connection and then I am forcefully placed in an IHP apartment and not benefiting from the Ethernet in the dormitory, does that mean you are stealing my money?

While you think about the answers to these questions, let me assure you that they are not mine. No, they are not original queries. In fact, I have heard them so many times from so many individuals that if this were a Comp paper, I would be accused of plagiarism in addition to bad writing.

Dean Himber if you are reading this, and by some chance, Dr. Socol did not have the opportunity to do so, please do your best to paraphrase for him when you get the chance. The student body will greatly appreciate it.