The Commentator

Volume 67, Issue 12
May 18, 2003
Iyar 5763
 

 

 

 

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Volume 67, Issue 12

New Editors Bring Strong Arm Forte
by Commentator Staff

Seeking to uphold a longstanding Commentator tradition, the Governing Board of The Commentator has again elected two editors-in-chief for Volume 68:  Commie Features Editor Jamie Hirsch and Commie Arts and Culture Editor Tzvi Kahn.  The Governing Board reached their decision early Friday morning, May 16, after lengthy deliberation and debate.

Hirsch and Kahn have been charged with maintaining the paper’s unprecedented journalistic standards and superior literary quality, continuing to expand its infrastructure and to sustain its frequent turnover.  They plan to work on selecting members of next year’s governing board, making internal promotions, and recruiting returning and incoming students without delay.

“We know that we have quite a tough act to follow,” the two declared devoutly.  “So we want to get started as early as possible.”    

Hirsch, who is deferentially referred to as King James or, more colloquially, as the Nervous Pre-Med, is a typical caffeine addict.  “There’s nothing funny about me,” he said correctly.  “I’m a very serious person.”  He neglected to mention that he also happens to be repetitive and redundant. 

Even though he masquerades as a pre-med major, Hirsch is really majoring in economics, hands down the most difficult major in Yeshiva College.  He is a big chasid of Rabbi Dr. Lee and hopes to one day augment his vast knowledge of the social sciences with a major in Victorian Webs.  His ultimate goal in life is to reach the lofty pedestal of the pseudo- intellectual; a more coveted accomplishment could hardly be fathomed.

After his year as reigning Commentator despot, King James hopes to attend a prestigious medical school.  As long as his MCAT score is about one-twentieth of his article’s word count, we think he’ll be in business.  Did we mention that his father is a doctor at NYU?

Hirsch attended Rambam before ultimately settling in at MTA.  He liked Washington Heights so much that he decided to stick around and attend Yeshiva, which he did for a year before heading to the holy land to spend a year at Yeshivat Sha’alvim.  “I jumped all over the place,” Hirsch said blushingly.  “I have a problem with commitment and responsibility,” he whispered.   

Hirsch hails from the modest town of Lawrence, New York.  He often complains about his long commute to school after Shabbosos spent at home, about the lack of well-connected people that attend his shul, and having to iron his shirts three times a day so as to preempt the occasional wrinkle. 

King James began his career on the paper as a lowly staff writer for the news section two years ago, where he quickly distinguished himself and was summarily elevated to the status of Associate News Editor, at which point he began to bother Levine, prompting him to lock his door after 10 PM every night.  After much prodding and moral support, Hirsch agreed to accept the position of Features Editor, which led to his second paper and status promotion in less than a year. Among his many other articles, he authored the famous Kippah story.

Tzvi Kahn does not have an established moniker like his monarchial counterpart, and he doesn’t aspire to one.  He has two other loftier goals. “[First,] I will strive to use the word ontological in every issue,” bombasted Tzvi.  And second, he noted, he hopes to expunge every other quote modifier other than “said.”      

Kahn hails from Teaneck, a small town in Northeastern New Jersey. He attended Torah Academy and davens in the same shul as Dr. Moshe Bernstein, a longtime Commentator supporter. Although he does not yet have a cell phone, he will soon.

An English major, Kahn likes writing long papers as well as burdening himself with full course loads. He likes learning too, having spent two summers in the NCSY summer kollel in Efrat, and we like that.   

“Toby” Kahn assumes the helm of The Commentator after years of journalistic experience. He has interned at The Forward and written letters of support and other correspondence for important New Jerseyans, such as Congressman Steve Rothman. More relevantly, he has helped to set the standard for nearly flawless editing in the pages of the Commie. As a freshman Staff Writer, his well-researched and superbly written articles started raising the eyebrows of Commentator higher-ups. This past year, he served as the Arts and Culture Editor, reviving what had formerly been a second-tier section into one of the most prominent and colorful parts of Volume 67. He’s also been instrumental behind the scenes, in his ghostwriting, editing, and taming of Wecker.

“Over the coming year, I hope to maintain a high standard of reporting, professionalism, and impeccable writing,” a clearly excited and uncleanly shaven Kahn enthusedly exuberated. “I’d also like to insure that The Commentator remains a newspaper for the students and by the students, and I hope that the entire student body will become part of our effort.”

After handing over the reigns to their former inferiors, outgoing Editors-in-Chief Yehoshua Levine and Zack Streit disappeared with the remainder of The Commentator’s bank account. They were heard mumbling something about the Cayman Islands.

  


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